Build the life you want to live in . . . moment by moment

Life is good.

Even in the midst of chaos Life is good.

Balance continues to be my theme, my mantra and my goal.

This is a time when we all live complicated lives. Technology-- cell phones, pagers, computers-- has ended the days of isolation.

But being "in contact" at a moment's notice and for many of us every moment is not the same as being "in touch." Frequently with all that society brings us right now we are being given more interference . . . more excuses to not connect with ourselves or others.

Personally I have a lot on my plate and wear many, many hats. The days I become most overwhelmed by this are the days I forget to be mindful to take one day- one moment at a time, to breathe easy and regular breaths no matter what pace I am going at, and to take some time to feed my soul.

This is a reminder to you as we change seasons-- school years are up and running again, you may feel your projects piling up, you are having doubts about which direction you should be going with an area in your life.

Just be.

"I am right where I should be in this moment in time."

"I am not my list of things to do or achieve-- I am at peace with my life and those around me."

Remind yourself that you cannot reach your potential with you family, your partner, your children, your work, your art, until you are at peace with yourself and give yourself the nurturing that your spirit requires.

What are your signs that you are running on empty and need a stop at the "spirit shop?"

What are those things you do that rejuvenate your soul and bring you into better balance?

Every day, ask yourself those questions and put those items on your list of things to do.

Your spirit needs a healthy home, somewhere it can reach its full potential and there is only one person that can build it: you.

Join My Village Video

I am honored to be a Village Leader of Zumani for this project. Please help me and my 14 year old Village Mzata, Agnes, and join team Zumani.

I implore you to spread the word to your friends and also ask them to join our team.

Click right HERE, right now to Join My Village.

"Women are changing the world, village by village. Join Us.”

Turn around and your a young man heading out the door . . .

This week we are sending another child off to college.

I used to guffaw when my oldest children were little and SO many people would feel compelled to tell me just how fast the time was going to fly by. My inner dialogue at the time was something like, “I know that was your experience, but this seems to be dragging on rather nicely thank-you-very-much.”

This is our fourth of nine children heading off to college and yes, I have to say it boggles the mind to see the man that he has become, and have no clue where the time went that has aged him.

I’ll miss him a lot.

He was one of those babies and toddlers that was freaky-perfect. He was always happy and I remember saying to him when he was around 3 years, “Luke, I just can’t believe how well behaved you are, you’ve never even been in time out.” His precocious response was, “I know, I watched what Rachel (older sister) did and learned what not to do.”

Yes, he was always precocious.

When he was just toddling around, I locked myself out of the house while he was inside; he was too young to manipulate the lock. He grinned a big grin at me, pushed the chair over to the counter, stood on it, got the sugar bowl, went to the silverware drawer and got a spoon and promptly went to the table and began eating sugar straight out of the bowl. This from the child that, literally, had never misbehaved. I knew then he had gifts.

When he had an early childhood screening to make sure he was on track with speech because of some articulation issues he was around 2 and a half, the lady screening him called for her colleagues to come listen to him. “When I asked him what color the sun was (while pointing at a picture) he said golden. Golden! Can you imagine? I’ve never heard golden before.” I am literally thinking what, exactly, is the big deal? He was scored socially at an age equivalent of 7 years and I knew it was, in part, related to her describing how the first thing out of his mouth when he sat down was, “I really like your rings. They’re beautiful.” Again, my thought was, uhm, and what’s so amazing?

That happens when you live with an amazing kid.

You don’t really understand just how amazing they are until people point it out to you . . . or until they are leaving you to start their own life.

This college bound guy hasn’t always been perfect throughout his teen years and thankfully, my professional background kept me sane realizing it wouldn’t be “normal” if his relative perfection continued. He has a mind of his own. He’s taken risks that I’d rather he not take and he’s made some choices that have garnished him some pretty stark consequences.

Tomorrow we take that long drive.

My wish for him is that he uses his talent for the greater good — for himself and society as a whole. The world really is his oyster as long as he understands and respects the commitment and responsibility involved in being giver and not a taker from the world at large.

In the meantime, my peacemaker and most wonderfully supportive man-son is on his way to make his way.

I wish him luck and love and health and safety and success in every step he takes.

I love you, Luke.

life IS short

A funny thing happened this weekend.

I went back to the the town of my alma mater where my high school class, which graduated 30 years ago, was serving as the "grand marshals" for the local festival parade.

Many of the folks I had not seen for many, many years; some I had not seen in the entire 30 years since I left my parent's home.

The funny thing was that somewhere in my mind I was expecting all of these people to look exactly the way they did 30 years ago; in my mind's eye they had not changed a bit. And funnier still-- most of them did look much like I remembered. I could still see traces of their adolescent selves in each one of them, or their voices, or their mannerisms.

When you come from a small community and a small school there is something that happens that is impossible to replicate in a larger school atmosphere. While you may not have known everyone of your classmates intimately, you DID know everyone's name in our school. And it is very likely that you knew some of the details of their lives as well. This was an extended family.

Like it or not.

There were some family members that you may have felt closer to than others or that you avoided getting into certain conversations with or that you never really had too much in common with, but the many years spent together makes them family just the same.

That was the overwhelming sense I had in talking to these folks. All social barriers were down. There are no cliques to wade through. Just the feeling of family, of "I know these people." The feeling of wanting these people to all be just fine and never have any suffering in their lives.

While I'm close to many folks by choice now as I'm plowing down my forties, there is a difference when you can look at a childhood friend or classmate and you can immediately see them as the five year old, or the awkward 12 year old or the gorgeous 16 year old they were.

That, my friends, is family.

And that is also when you feel the breeze from time flying by you.

The Perfect Date

I just got back from the perfect date.

It was with my 86 year old mother.

Last year Amazon practically gave me some books and 2 arrived, inadvertent to my order, on tape. Therefore, Julie and Julia: 365 days, 524 recipes and One Tiny Apartment was my first-ever book on tape.

I loved it. The author's voice reminded me of Tina Fey and her hilarious rendition had me laughing while I was power-washing the house and made me look forward to my summertime chores last year.

Julia Child is a fairly forthright memory from my childhood so with the today's release of the movie based on the book: Julie & Julia we seemed to have the recipe for the perfect mother-daughter outing.

On the way to the movie I explained the world of "blog" to my mother, who has never owned a computer, but fully understands how integral one is to my writing, my work and my life.

The theatre was packed at a 12:30 matinee in the midwest; no small feat. I turned to my mother and observed, "There are a lot of folks here with the same color hair as yours," at which she giggled.

The movie vacillated between scenes of Meryl Streep playing a right-on Julia Child from the time she discovered French food, to cooking school, to the publishing of her book and Julie blogging and cooking and blogging and cooking.

I found the movie a delightful translation of the book- and was intrigued with learning more about Julia Child's life.

The best part of the entire experience though was the company. I'm sure we were not the only mother-daughter dates in attendance.

We are at a time in our lives when this mother and daughter give each other knowing looks and enjoy every bit of quality time we have together, while frequently commiserating about "how time flies."

Today we made another memory.

Step Away From Your Rag Mag

(this post was initially written for a blog I write for: The Voice of Mom)

Becky and Stephen +10 are on day 9 of a Florida beach vacation with 2 days to go.

Our HMF (self described high maintenance friends) were an absolute joy to be with and departed 2 days ago. With their departure we were left with their vacation rags that follow the “stars.” We do not have cable television, therefore much of the hyperbole in these publications is lost on us. However while travelling and staying in hotels, we had caught Jon and Kate +8 a couple of times and perused the rag-mags — enough to comment on the dynamics between the couple and how bizarre it must be to live your life under scrutiny — especially if you have a modicum of anxiety in your system (and don’t we all?).

Frankly, I’m sick to death of publications that obviously sell and sell and sell, pushing their unsubstantiated fodder; especially when it comes to folks that have it hard enough trying to keep some semblance of an emotionally healthy life while raising children (Brad and Angelina, Jon and Kate, Tom and Katie, and yes, Michael Jackson to name a few). But to have every move that you make with your children speculated about and made into a “when are they going to break up game” — geez, it’s no wonder other countries have questions about our values and priorities when we show that, as a nation, we are more interested in how a “star” looks in a bikini this year than how to help our fellow man or what is going on around the world.

On late night cable we saw a replay of an extensive interview of Michael Jackson being third-degreed about every angle of his life — plastic surgery, how he was parented, his own parenting . . . Which of us would want to sit in front of a camera and have every word we say and every move we make scrutinized? And yes, I would probably be shaking like I was high on crack too (recalling the leg-shaking Michael trying to feed his baby on camera to prove he could do it).

Earth to tabloid and star gossip show lovers: there’s a 4 letter word in the biz responsible for the hype that the networks and publication companies know sells: EDIT.

Yes, the flattering pictures of the star with their children, or the star’s figure, or their eloquent answers to the nosy questions frequently end up on the cutting room floor. Why? Because showing competence doesn’t sell dirt TV and rag mags.

After all the stares and comments we have gotten going through the airport and hanging at the beach and going into restaurants with our large brood, I have but an inkling of what it must be like for these parents that are constantly under the microscope and are, after all, just parents — like you and I: imperfect, learning, less than patient all the time, blown away by how much work parenting is and needing a break from scrutiny.

I wish the media would give them one.

Put your gossip rag down and repeat after me: “I will not be a part of the destruction of the lives of other human beings by supporting this unconscionable industry.”

If only the media could live up to the simple truths in one of my favorite vacation reads, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel– Be impeccable with your word, Don’t make assumptions, Always do your best– the “stars” wouldn’t have to practice the fourth agreement quite as much “Don’t take anything personally.”

Abay by Phil Borges

Safe Landings in Kenya

If you read my earlier post about sending my daughter off to Kenya, here is an update.

Rachel is safe and sound in Thika, Kenya at a guest home with "sweet" hosts and a "boy" from Kansas City who is also a volunteer staying at the same home.  I've talked to her twice now and she sounded absolutely mahvelous both times.  

The first time she called was yesterday to give me her cell phone number and an update of where she landed.  It's a crap shoot where you will be placed.  They loaded up a bunch of volunteers and dropped them various places before her stop, some very remote, so she was thrilled to be near a town and have running water and electricity.

The second time was this morning when I wanted to test my awesome phone card that will give me 212 minutes of talk time for $20-- to which my husband states, "hmmm, you are going to talk to her more in the next month she is in Africa than you would at home."  Uhm.  Of course.

I could hear her plodding away and huffing and puffing.  "Yeh mom, it's not a great time to talk. We're sludging a way in a rural area." At which time, apparently on cue there is a inordinately loud baaaaaah!.

"And that was a goat."

Sounds like calling her early afternoons will be best as it will be late there and her day of goat safaris or orphanage work will have come to an end.

And peace goes out to my Rachel.

Letting go . . .

I am being tested.

My first born is in the air somewhere on her way to Kenya to volunteer in an orphanage for a month.  

We had a great cookout the night before she was heading to her Grandparents in Chicago to fly out and we had a really enjoyable time.

The next morning I woke up sick.  Strep from one of our younger ones.  I called Rachel in Chicago and offered to try and get her a prescription that would cover strep if she would get it on the trip since I had handled her food and because she, as a little one, was a strep magnet.  

No.  

She thought that sounded like overkill.

I guess if she's old enough to basically arrange this trip from front to back, work, go to college, maintain an apartment and all that good stuff she was right in making that decision for herself.

And I'm hoping there are MD's with antibiotics available to the volunteers if they need it.  

This acute concern largely comes from the fact that I had an absolutely miserable night with my whole body aching along with my head and throat and could NOT imagine traveling feeling like this.

So good vibes for healthy and safe travel to my baby errr, adult-child.

Confessions of a two-timer errr, uhm, three-timer

Dear Blog,

I have a confession.  I've been spending time with someone else.  Her name is MOMSthatROCK! and she's a really professional website and a really exciting blog. 

I want you to know I haven't forgotten about you.

In fact, I've thought about you almost every day.  

Remember how, right here, I committed to exercising at least 15 minutes a day for the New Year and then within the month I broke a rib and learned how everyone was right about how excruciating that pain could be?

Yes, I told you all about it (press) HERE.  

I did get through that injury and was more motivated than ever when Anna and I decided: YES! How perfect it would be for MOMSthatROCK! to do the 1st Chicago Rock n Roll Half Marathon.  

My sweet hubby and I travelled abroad in April to visit his family and planned our half marathon training program as we stuffed ourself with rich English and French food . . .  and then upon our return home, remember how within the first week of training I HORRENDOUSLY sprained my ankle and have been rehabilitating for the past 5 weeks?

No?

You don't remember that Dear Blog?

Oh Yeah!  

That's because I was more than a little embarrassed about such debilitating back to back injuries and didn't really want to share it with you!

I am willing however, now, to come clean because as of tonight I actually tolerated 30 seconds on the elliptical. 

Oh yes, Dear Blog-- one other thing?  

I think I've decided to accept an offer to start writing for ANOTHER website.  

I'm sorry.

But yes, it is one that is more widely read than you are and YES, I will have to commit to writing on it at least once a week.  

Do you think we can compromise?  

Come visit me at www.thevoiceofmom.com and it will still be like old times.  I'll have a weekly deadline THERE, but I promise to come back and visit you here and report on the other areas of my life.  

And yes,  THAT.  That boat in the picture?  THAT is the boat that was "won" by the Broken Rib as referenced in the blog post mentioned (click HERE) to read.  My hubby plans on renaming it Becky's Broken Rib and we plan on having it in the water by the end of the week!

I'm NOT one for 2-timing Dear Blog, but I think we can make this 3-timing thing happen. 

Really.

Stop by www.momsthatrock.com and www.thevoiceofmom.com and SUBSCRIBE to those blogs just to test me on this.  

I think we can all get along perfectly.

See you here AND there! (and there)

Signed with love and devotion to my dearest blog,

Becky of Beckoning Balance

Karma-baby

My new partnership with fellow mom and Chicago rocker Anna Fermin (press on her name and you'll hear our theme song)  has taken off in leaps and bounds.

If you love to listen to music, come to our shows and know that you are giving back to our global community while having a ROCKIN time.

Click HERE to see details about our two debut shows in June.  To read about how MOMSthatROCK! Productions came to fruition, read from the bottom up.

Follow MOMSthatROCK! on Twitter by pressing HERE.

Follow me on Twitter by pressing HERE.

What is too young for young love . . .

Sweet Son and Proud Mama

Mamapedia is an online resource for parents and a recent question was asked:

1st crush in first grade??? Isn't this a little young?

I chuckled. 

My first crush was in Kindergarten.  He was the tallest boy in the class and I followed him around like Tinkerbell following Peter Pan.  I remember staring at him adoringly.

In later years it became apparent to me that my initial attraction may have had something to do with the fact that I had three older brothers and an additional 10 male cousins, with nary a female in sight.  I'm sure his height reminded me of the "older" men in my life.

Then in first grade my first love letter was confiscated by the teacher.  It was written in sky blue which was the most awesome color in my box of 64 crayons.  I sat by my crush and wrote a note: Do you like me?  I like you.  Circle yes or no.  

The moment the note was passed, Mrs. Campbell asked for me to walk it up to her.  

Oh, the shame.   

I can still feel the heat that rushed to my cheeks.  I returned to my teacher at the end of the day to ask if she would release my note  from the home she had given it: inside THE gradebook.  

No, I was told.  It belonged to her now.  That was the same answer I got the next 53 times I asked. 

Later in my school career Mrs. Campbell had the opportunity to share with me that she STILL had my first love letter written in sky blue crayon and that, actually, she had been very pleased with my navigation of the writing of said letter at such a young age.  I was happy and relieved to see her smiling while she was discussing my offense.

So what is my personal and professional opinion about a first grade crush?  

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Crushes are a natural developmental milestone and are nothing new to our society.  

If you feel your child is being exposed to TV or real life situations that encourage precocious behavior, those are the issues that you may easily address and it would be appropriate to do so. 

And of course if you see inappropriate or suggestive acting out or language-- this should be explored and addressed: these behaviors do not come naturally to a young child and they are being exposed to it somewhere.

It's not so easy to "change" what is already going on in our children's minds, but sometimes it can be a wake-up call to make changes that affect what is happening in your environment that spawns your child's thoughts and ideas and interests.

Over-focusing on an issue such as this can give the issue much more power and almost guarantee it to be a concern again in the future.  Remember the golden rule of parenting: the best way to extinguish unwanted behavior--whenever possible IGNORE IT.

This issue came up with some of my children and since I had a frame of reference of having had those feelings at the same age I saw it as totally normal behavior and treated it as such.  

It is important to remember that children can have very strong feelings of admiration for someone.  

My son and a little girl "liked" each other from first to third grade.  There were no outings, or pronouncements, but they saw each other at school.  

After she decided to "like" someone else, I stumbled upon the most eloquent letter my son had written to a friend that expressed how "adults do not think we can feel actual love at our age, but we can. . . I know because I did. . . "  as he went on to express the lessons he'd learned for an entire page and a half of the neatest penmanship I'd ever seen from him.

Honestly, my son's letter brought tears to my eyes and not because of any fear or disappointment or concern, but because I saw that the seed of an emotionally articulate, loving and caring man had been planted.  

He continues to be an extremely loving and caring young man who did not have flings, has always treated girls with respect-- including his sisters and mother-- and at age 18 is in an extremely respectful committed relationship after not seriously dating for most of high school. This WAS a choice.  He was asked and attended the Jr. Sr. Prom when he was a Freshman, and has had many who adore him; I'm sure because he is such a sweetheart.  But he has been very thoughtful about where his time, effort and, yes, feelings would be going.

I know his early "crush" had an impact on his choices he made regarding relationships and I would not change one thing about it. 

But the bottom line?  If I wanted to STOP his crush, I couldn't if I had tried and in trying to stop it, it would have only intensified those feelings.  

Use discussions of crushes as teachable moments-- especially when you can use those lessons to bring home your family's value system-- and then sit back and relax and enjoy the ride.   

Remember to embrace the angst; there is a lot more to come.

Just do it.

Don't ask what the world needs.  Ask what makes you come alive and then go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Howard Thurman

I find it interesting that as a person that has had a 29 year career in altruistic positions that I would love such a self-serving quote as much as I love this one.  I have found this a wonderfully inspiring quote that has meant different things to me at different stages of my life.

Currently what this quote automatically brings to my mind is our four eldest children.  We have two daughters in their 3rd year of college, a son in his first year and a son heading off to college in the fall. As a group they are unique because they all have one thing in common: they have not decided on an ideal career.

I think this generation of college attendees has been told "the world is your oyster" and "reach for the stars"  in contrast to the message given to previous generations: "go for job security" and "make sure you can provide for your family."  That presents a lot of choice and a lot of pressure.

We have talks with our kids about finding something that "makes them come alive" and I'm certain those conversations may only compound their dilemma.  At least that's what their perplexity tells me; initially you see their full alignment with those words followed by a a puzzled look, "hmmm, how do I know what makes me come alive in a 40+ hour/week work setting at this stage of my life . . ."  

I have frequently encouraged clients by asking them to reflect-- if so many hours of our living must go into a career, wouldn't  it be wonderful if we could choose something we enjoy so much that we "lose time" while doing it?  In other words, time flies while we work because we enjoy it so much it doesn't feel like work.  Another term that describes this is "being in the flow." 

Fortunately, I landed in a career where I have found myself "in the flow" much of the time, but that was after many years of struggling during the hours I was living making my living (and paying for my education).  It was the assumption that when I reached my final educational goal "the flow" would be waiting that made the mundane bearable.  

I encourage you to ponder today's quote for yourself and your own situation.  

Is there something more you could be doing that would make you come alive?  

What can you let go of that stands in your way of coming alive?  

Are there passions or pastimes, or creative endeavors you continue to put off that you know would feed your spirit?  

No matter what your career or stage of life: choose to come alive.

Be the change you want to see . . .  

Just do it.

Our Dizzy-ny Adventure

My husband had a conference in Orlando and is a vehement "will never do Disney" kind of guy.

I seized the opportunity to take our 4 .75 year old and we begged his sister out of school since it was such a quick trip and she had JUST turned 9 two days before we left.

This would be a quick 2 day, mark-Disney-off-the-list-so-Dad-never-has-to-go kind of visit.

Yes, I try to stay "zen" and "go with the flow" WHILE "staying in the moment" and practicing "positive discipline" and all that jazz, but after our first hour in the Magic Kingdom I started to have a recurrent mantra to my Disney adventure, "End. This. Misery. NOW."

At the beginning of our journey, for the first time in our lives, we arrived to an airport EARLIER than the 2 hour suggested time.

And guess what our reward was?

A two hour delay.

By the time we were tucking the kids into bed it was 1:30 a.m. DT (disney time). Then with an emergency run for cough syrup for the oldest's incessant hacking cough that (I'm not kidding) Disney-magickly quit the moment her father went into the night to forage for meds and the 4 year old waking every 90 minutes declaring, "MY FEET HURT," (and I'm sure they did, the little trooper had dragged his new carry on all over 2 entire airports) NO one had much sleep.

The next morning the kids woke with excitement. Dad had snuck out at 6:30 am to get to a breakfast meeting.

As you can see from the very first Disney picture and the four year old's face-- he didn't start off on the right Disney-foot and I am sorry to report that it didn't get any better after that.

It was a day full of whining and misunder-disney-standings. For instance-- shrieking at the end of each ride: I want to go again!!!!

Can you blame him? It's what we all want to say after waiting in line close to an hour and going on a ride for 2-3 blissful minutes.

I thought people would be cringing at his end-of -the-ride outbursts, but I actually think I was seeing some upward thrusts of fists and the words, "right on," being mouthed.

I felt so sorry for my husband's colleague's wife who thought it would be "fun" to join us for a day at Disney. Let's just say that I think we solidified the deal and she is perfectly fine to forego the miracle of a child (thank-you-very-much).

So my dear all-things-Disney friends and my contemplating-Disney friends: I Just Do NOT Get It.

The bumping into people at every turn-- in fact that was one of the four year old's major whines, "THAT LADY JUST HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH HER CAMERA (or her bag, or her butt, or her arm . . . probably a 20 time event) and after all his head was just even with ALL of those things.

NO one was watching where they might stand or walk or push a wheelchair or stroller and I think it is an absolute Disney-miracle that we did not witness a broken hip or some actual flowing of blood-- beyond our little guys skinned up knee.

And the lines . . . That is what our Disney experience was really about. Lines. Frustration. Crying. Whining. And more Lines.

And did I mention, Lines?

Did the fun-- and sure there was SOME fun-- outweigh the misery?

Absolutely.

NOT.

We did it, we crossed it off the list and it is done.

The second, and final, day at Magic Kingdom proved a bit less traumatic than the first. And, now, a mere day later, the little stinker really thinks he had a good time.

And I made sure to take plenty of pictures to solidify the "happy" memories in his Disney-memory-bank.

And may it never happen again until our children get to feel the Disney-magic with their own precious little darlings. (chanted, of course, with our magic Tinkerbell wand waving . . . )

P.S. Our nine year old was a little angel, albeit an exhausted one.

And Dad was actually the one that got to witness the Magic of the night parade and fireworks with the kids. The four year old was in awe and perfectly behaved and Dad got some wonder-full time with both children.

And that, truly, does thrill me.

press the arrow and make YOUR wish . . .

Free help for your sleepless nights AND stress in this crazy times

HeartMath is offering a free webinar:  Solutions for Sleeplessness Caused by Today’s Stress, with Deborah Rozman, Ph.D.

Click HERE for registration information.

And don't forget about HeartMath's free "De-stress kit for changing times."   Click HERE to obtain that.

Great tools, great company, great price (free) . . .

Find the field-

"Out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing there is a field.  I will meet you there."

Rumi

Woke up to this quote this morning (thank you HeartMath for my lovely daily quotes with their beautiful photographs).

Now I can't get the old soul song out of my head, "I know a place . . . I'll take you there . . ."

That field.

Where is it?

If you build it, will they come?

MOMSthatROCK! Productions: Concerts for a Cause-- video diary #!

Check out the progress of MOMSthatROCK! Productions with our first installment of our video diary!

It's always something . . .

Have you ever found yourself going through life and saying: "when (fill in the blank) happens, life is going to be so much easier (or I'll feel complete or I'll have achieved nirvana).

Of course you have.  

We all have.  

I'm convinced that it is a inherent homosapien survival mechanism and a developmental task that we all experience to a greater or lesser extent.  

There are some positives that can come of this mindset.  After all, it does motivate one to achieve a goal if one feels that they will find a perpetual state of bliss by meeting said goal.  

Many folks have felt: when I find the "perfect" partner or when I have a baby or when we have the "perfect" house . . . THEN I will have "arrived" to my life and it will be smooth sailing from here on out.

The problem with this mindset is that we are not living our current life if we continually have an eye on what we think it is that will mean perfection to us in the future. 

Many of us that have reached a certain age have accepted the realization that there is NO external event in our life that will bring us inner peace.  And we've found that out by achieving goals  and accomplishments  only to realize that although these achievements can feel absolutely wonderful-- there will ALWAYS be something else that comes up that we consider a MUST do to continue to achieve optimal living.

So when you are getting bogged down with external expectations that you have for yourself-- a perfect yard, a promotion at work, the perfect partner-- let that be your reminder to look within and explore the only thing you are ultimately in control of YOU.

Do you live your life with a sense of peace and calm?  

Do you choose love to be the force that steers your way?  

Do you refrain from judging others and practice kindness with yourself as well?  

Do you live each day-- One Day At A Time or even one minute at a time-- in an effort to make the most of every day you are given?

While it is perfectly admirable to have goals and aspirations, we must remember ACHIEVING and truly LIVING are two different things. 

You can have a WONDER-FULL life without accomplishing everything on your (or someone else's) list of proposed achievements; but you will have much greater success with your achievements if you are truly living your life.

And if you find yourself stressing about that goal you feel like you are long overdue, gently remind yourself that even when/if you achieve that goal: there will always be something else that comes up on your list of things to do.  

It is simply the way we are wired.   

Kindly recognize and embrace your tendency to "want,"  recall that your worth comes from within-- not your outward achievements-- appreciate yourself, live with love and keep moving in a positive direction: ONE DAY AT A TIME.

the word of the week: Dissonance

These are confusing days for the good ole USA.  

The word that comes to mind is dissonance: a tension or clash resulting from the combination of disharmonious or unsuitable elements.

On your way out to go shopping and eat you are listening to news reports about the devastating collapse of the economy.  You get to the restaurant and there is a long wait for a seat.  You look around wondering, is everyone hurting as bad as the reports make it sound???

You hear that the there are even more economic woes to come, but you notice that flights are cheap and you still have the money you saved for vacation and feel fairly secure at the moment: to book or not to book.  Is it okay to enjoy myself in the midst of others' devastation?

 

You have taken a huge hit with the economic collapse, maybe losing your job or your investment portfolio but you are surrounded by folks that appear relatively unscathed and are going about business as usual.  Why are there such extremes, you wonder.

Americans are walking around in a state of cognitive dissonance which is a perfect environment for anxiety and depression to take root.

Click HERE to read a poignant interview with Deepak Chopra on the current times and some realistic and helpful perspective.  

I hope you find it as meaningful as I did.

To sleep or not to sleep . . .

As I am typing at 6:14 a.m., I would like to give you some pointers on one of my favorite subjects: sleep.

When assessing how folks that I am seeing are doing one of the first things I thoroughly question about is their sleep because inadequate sleep is a huge stressor to our body and mind.

If I get that occasional response of-- oh, I only get 4 hours a night and I'm good, my first question is: do you feel rested during the day?  If the answer is yes, I'm absolutely refreshed and can be active all day and do not doze off when sitting still and have great sleep quality for that time I'm less inclined to push the panic button.

More often than not, however, the answer is a resounding NO!  Occasionally there will be a qualified yes-- I'm fine unless I sit down, then I'm out like a light.  Then the answer gets changed to NO, they are not rested during the day.

So here are some pointers for the typical sleep issues and reestablishing sleep cycles that have been wacked out and some good sleep hygiene reminders for all of us:  

o No napping! Engage in some sort of activity if the desire to nap becomes overwhelming. If daytime sleepiness becomes impossible to ignore, limit naptime to a single nap of less than 1 hour, arising from the nap no later than 3 p.m.

o Set the alarm and get up at the same time every morning (before 9:00 a.m.) no matter how much, or little, sleep you had the previous night.

o Do not go to bed until tired or before 9:00 p.m.

o To fall asleep do the slow, deep, regular breathing counting backwards to yourself from 100 with each breath. This allows your body to relax, and blocks out stressful thoughts. Do not rush this process.

Here is a little secret:  practice that technique whether you have trouble falling asleep or not. Your mind-body will learn that when I do this, I go to sleep.   Then, IF you ever run into a period of insomnia later you will be able to call on this later.  It works!

o If you go to bed and are unable to sleep after 30 minutes, go to another room and engage in a relaxing activity, such as reading, until tired. Do not fall asleep in another room. Return to bed only when you are sleepy.

o Keep bedroom as dark and quiet as possible.  You want your bedroom to be a sleep haven that gives your mind and body the message: when I am in here and lying down for sleep: I Sleep.

Therefore:  The bed and bedroom are for sleeping and intimacy only.

o Clear bedroom of all distractions: no TV, computer, stereo, etc.  You make think "I HAVE to have the TV or radio on to sleep."  What you do not realize is that every time there is a change in a song or a commercial or a laugh track your body is brought out of the restorative sleep stage-- even if you do not fully awaken.

o Use background noise such as a fan or white noise maker if you have a history of awakening easily.  Many folks have what I call "mommy ear." You sleep with one ear open to protect the household and when you hear a creak or snap or crackle or pop it arouses you.

o No caffeine after 12 noon; consider totally eliminating caffeine from diet.

o Get your exercise in before 5:00 p.m. It would be best to do your regular exercise routine in the mornings.

o Keep a note pad and pen by your bed. If a thought occurs to you that you feel is important and you must remember, write it down.  This technique has been like medicine for folks and eliminates the waking up to tell yourself, "oh I have to remember to do  . . . tomorrow."

o And, sorry to say, but alcohol may feel like it lulls you to sleep but it is horrible for sleep and keeps you from reaching the level of restorative sleep you need.

It is worth the effort to regulate your sleep and get it in the healthiest shape possible for optimal health and optimal cognitive and emotional functioning.

Yawn . . .

The Mind: Poison or Medicine?

Frequently when I talk with individuals that have had a heart attack or a sudden onset of a cardiac illness, I am speaking with someone who is having some recurring fear-based thoughts: "I have only one heart-- what if something happens in my sleep,"  "is that sensation I am feeling another heart attack," "is it going to happen again," "I'm doomed for a premature death," etc.

It is important that we all remember some basic tips that I give these folks to improve their health and their day to day functioning.  I teach them about thought substitution, also known as cognitive restructuring.  

When you are having a fear-based or negative thought, notice it and ask yourself how you can restructure it in a more positive way such as: "my heart is strong and healthy," "I experience energy and health,"  even if you are not 100% sold on the belief.  

Today I talked to one of the cardiac rehab nurses and encouraged their staff to instruct their patients to repeat positive "heart healthy" messages while exercising because many get highly anxious as they start to feel their heart speed up or become sweaty with exercise.  

I've always begged my kids to do what I thought would be a phenomenal Science Project in school.  Go to the track team and time runners running the same distance while repeating to themselves, "I am slow and heavy," then time them while saying "I am quick and light."  

Hmmmm.  What do you think the results would be?

Our minds are amazing tools for optimal health.  When you catch yourself worrying about your health, your weight, your stress level, or your loved one's well being, etc., note it and put another more realistic or positive thought in your brain so that it becomes trained to keep those negative thoughts out.  

The negative and fearful thoughts will drain your body of healing resources it needs for optimal health.  

Replacing those thoughts with your vision of optimal health or performance or coping will encourage your body to accept and adapt more healthy functioning.

The mind: poison or medicine--  it's your decision.

I DARE YOU to join our ROCKiNG effort~

In celebration of International Women's Day, singer/songwriter/musician Anna Fermin and I are announcing the birth of a bouncing baby-- MOMSthatROCK! Concerts for Cause.

Please click here to read the birth announcement for MOMSthatROCK!  

You can join this effort and participate in meaningful activism and while enjoying some righteous rocking out!

Email us at momsthatrock@me.com  to say- Hey I'm interested, keep me informed! and for a limited time you will receive an free Mp3 of MOMSthatROCK!'s phenomenal theme song: AWAKEN TO A NEW EARTH, written by Aaron Barber and Anna Fermin and performed by Anna Fermin (available on iTunes and CDBaby).

Hurry and get your free Mp3 for emailing us, turn up your volume, listen to Awaken to a New Earth (you will be moved), tell your friends to sign up at momsthatrock@me.com and be kept up to date of our news and concert schedule!

I Dare You

I dare you . . .

A birth announcement is forthcoming tomorrow: International Women's Day.

I dare you to look back here and find read that announcement. . .

I dare you to enjoy the excitement of participating in global change . . .

I dare you to join the cause . . .

Acting locally for change globally . . .

til tomorrow . . .

The Girl Effect

Watch This Now. (please)

more to come . . .

do you see what i see?

“Whether we name divine presence synchronicity, serendipity, or graced moment matters little. What matters is the reality that our hearts have been understood. Nothing is as real as a healthy dose of magic which restores our spirits."
~Nancy Long

Serendipity. . . intuition . . . vibes . . . coincidence . . . magic . . . miracles . . . synchronicity . . . grace . . .

These are all part of our everyday life if we only allow ourselves to be open to the experiences.   Many of us grew up programming ourselves to ignore our ability to see these magical messages we were receiving.

How many times have you been thinking of someone and the phone rings and it is them?  

Have you ever had the overwhelming knowledge that you would not be safe if you chose a certain path and then, in fact, found your "feeling" had kept you safe?

Do you pass moments of serendipity and synchronicity off as coincidence?

Sonia Choquette, a renowned author and articulate speaker with many years of studying people's natural psychic ability insists that being "psychic" isn't as woo-woo as many people have historically thought it was.  

Having abilities that label you gifted in this area come largely from your very heightened ability of acute observation.  A person that has great ability to observe everything going on in their surroundings and the nuances others bring to discussions or relationships are able to see and interpret observations on a different level than the casual observer.  

Sonia insists these skills can be nurtured in ourselves and in our children and we will be rewarded with a heightened ability to follow the path to our own greater good if we accept that we have these innate abilities rather than ignore them.

I heard Sonia speak and she recommended keeping a journal of all the coincidences and moments of intuition and serendipity that you experience.  Don't just pass it off when you press the elevator button and go stand in front of the elevator that just happens to open twenty seconds later.  Acknowledge that as your intuition being accurate.  

When the phone rings and you "know"who it is and you are right, take note of that instead of passing it off as coincidence.  

Notice those small moments of coincidence and certainly start giving more attention to those more momentous times your intuition steers the you in a meaningful direction.

As you collect these experiences, you will begin to recognize and believe that we all have a capability to see and sense much, much more than meets the eye.

Teach your children and yourself to trust their "uh-oh" feeling; nine times out of ten that feeling will keep you safe.  An excellent book: The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker does a great job articulating this concept.  TRUST YOUR GUT.  

Let yourself be open to the messages you get by having people and opportunities put before you that come seemingly out of nowhere.  They are there for a reason.

Trust in yourself to follow that dream that your heart has been telling you to pursue.  

Stop the negative self-talk and LISTEN.  

Your inner voice is made of a universal voice (i.e. chi, spirit, God, love, those gone before us . . .) and the culmination of the collective knowledge you have gathered that is unique to you; the more we fight that voice, the more conflicted we feel.

Trust yourself, follow your heart and be open when opportunity presents itself.  

The gifts are there for the taking~ not to be ignored.

the end is near. . .

People are dropping like flies.

Every person I talk to that has any symptoms of anxiety or depression prefaces it with, "It's because I am so sick of the winter . . "  "I'll be better when I can start getting outside." "Who doesn't feel like this with this weather?"

Then today at Starbucks I heard someone bawling their eyes out (no, I really have no clue what was going on), and I've just witnessed from afar another out-of-the-blue-crying spell from someone who otherwise is a non-crier.

This year's particular brand of the winter blues is almost as pervasive as the nasty hanger-on-cold-bug that is flying around.

February is notoriously the worst month for those of us that dislike winter.  I'll refrain from going on and on about seasonal affective disorder (SAD), you can google it and find out all you want to know, but like I've inferred before-- most "mental health diagnosis" run on a bit of a continuum and you can certainly have a little of the winter blahs or cabin fever without it being full-blown SAD.

I just saw one online poll the other day asking people if their moods were negatively affected negatively by winter and 74% of the responders affirmed.

We've been struck with a couple of brutal winters in succession.  Here are a few tips that have helped me get through this winter relatively unscathed:

Now don't laugh-- but when it is grey and nasty out and even when mounds of snow have that dingy film on them, I put on my best inner mary-sunshine voice and say to myself, "I love days where you never see the sun . . . the colder the better . . . nasty sludge is just as pretty as new fallen snow . . ." and idiotic things of a similar nature.  All I know is that playing Pollyanna is better for my mood than the alternative (when is this ever going to end . . . I HATE winter . . . I am miserable and frozen . . .)

I do much better if I can get out in the sun or even just outdoors every day.  I can dread hauling myself out in freezing weather with a vengeance, but after I'm out there I am always thankful.

I always handle winters better the years I exercise more consistently during the frigid cold. 

Mainly, my purpose here today day was that I wanted you to know that if you are quite ready for this winter to move into spring you are absolutely not alone.

Just tell yourself the age-old parenting mantra for difficult times, "this too shall pass . . ."

Head 'em up ~ Move 'em out (southern twain implied)

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

- Albert Ellis

I woke up to these words being in my inbox today.  

I cannot tell you how poignant I believe they are for mental health and optimal functioning.

There was a day that psychotherapy was about regurgitating past traumas and wrongs ad nauseam . . . then exploring your subconscious manifestations of these wrongs and traumas . . . and the person having to return for further therapy about these wrongs and traumas . . .   (or NEVER leave therapy).

You get the picture; it was a vicious cycle.

Then a trend started.  What if we help the client acknowledge that there were in fact wrongs and traumas (real or perceived-- it doesn't really matter if a person is obsessing on them and it is ruining their lives) and taught people that they could move on and have a more pleasant life if they actually let the wound heal and didn't keep ripping the scab off?

Solution-focused therapy, brief therapy, and an increased use of cognitive behavioral approaches (from which Ellis' work spawned) were some of the methodologies born of this concept.  

A person could be taught symptom control techniques and then be encouraged to stay in the here and now and deal with their life in the here and now:  i.e. take responsibility for their present moment and stop putting the blame on the power they let someone or something have over them , in many cases, for many years. 

Many times revisiting the past wrongs and blaming the past wrongs becomes a convenient diversion and/or excuse for people to not accept responsibility for the here and now and move on with their lives.  

The power, then, given to those previous "wrong-doers" in their lives is enormous which is why the person's anger towards these entities grows more and more out of control, in turn wreaking more havoc in the persons life sometimes than the initial trauma.

I'm reminded of a Saturday Night Live skit where Bob Newhart reprised his long time role as a psychiatrist.  It showed clients coming in and spilling their guts to him about their misery, as he appeared to listen intently.  Then his response to each and every issue for each patient was leaning over his desk and yelling, "THEN STOP IT!!!"  

In essence, that is what Albert Ellis' (who developed Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) quote is insinuating:

• stop blaming the parent that called you fat for being fat or thinking you are fat and figure out what you need to do to feel better about yourself; then do it.
  

• stop blaming previous relationships for your inability to trust or control anger and set a goal to master those traits FOR YOURSELF.
  

• stop blaming the fact you were never taught how to manage money on your parents or educators and seek education now so you can accept responsibility for your financial future.
  

• stop blaming that you were never picked for any sports teams growing up or made fun of in P.E. for your aversion to exercise and MOVE for your health.
  

You understand where I'm going with this and if you've read this far, a great exercise would be to actually pull out a piece of paper and pen now and list those issues that are a struggle for you and that you've blamed on someone other than yourself.  

Acknowledge that it is a disappointment that you feel you were wronged.  

Then take the only self-loving and self-caring step you can:  write down a couple of actions for each one of those issues that could help you learn more mastery, put them in motion and end the pattern of being a victim of your past.

And catch yourself when your anger flares or memories return and you have a tendency to blame the past.  Remind yourself that if you are constantly going back to the past (or jumping to the future) you are missing out on living your life, which is the present moment.  

Don't let past disappointments rob you of today.

It is time to move on.

be kind, unwind . . .

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

~Albert Einstein

Do you run and hide from your mistakes out of embarrassment?  Do you avoid situations or challenges out of the fear of being less than perfect or making a blatant error?

While striving to do the best job we possibly can is an admirable endeavor, not accepting less than what we perceive as perfection sets you up for a life of stress and anxiety.

Why are perfectionistic people always so stressed out?  Because they are consistently proving themselves a failure when they fall short of their goal.  Perfect is not possible, therefore a person striving for perfection ALWAYS feels like a failure at some level.

Look at the successful people around you.  Look at Albert Einstein's legacy.  Look at President Obama and from whence he came as well as the challenges he has before him.  Amazing people from our history would be just another person had they let themselves be limited by their ideals of perfection; paralyzed to risk and move forward.

This is an excellent reminder when you look holistically at your life:

• maintaining your health by exercising isn't an all or nothing deal; there will be stumbles but your health will only improve if you get up and keep moving . . .
• eating a healthy diet is a challenge; choosing something less than healthy doesn't mean you need to abort your goal of an overall average of healthy choices . . . 
• positive communications in our relationships is a worthy goal; if your anger gets the best of you at some point does that mean your a failure in relationships?  no, you are human.  how do you learn from your interaction?   make amends and move forward . . .
• doing the best job you possibly can in your work, be it President of the United States or parenting your children is a great goal to set; life and work and the unknown will throw you curve balls in the future.  accept that challenges arise and each time you face one you can use the knowledge gained to help you be a bit more effective in similar circumstances in the future.
  
• practicing your faith or your practice of centering  yourself in the face of chaos is sometimes touch and go; don't puncture your life boat just because you can't always reach it-- it will be there for you when you can make time for it.

Be kind to those around you that show their less than perfect selves.  We are all on this journey together and supporting each other does much more for the greater good than constantly pointing out perceived mistakes.

And most of all, if you find yourself frequently stressed due to striving for perfection~ be kind to yourself.  

Ultimately, you are the only person that will stand by you and support you throughout your entire life.  Any wasted energy spent on beating yourself up could have gone to many, many more positive endeavors.

be kind, unwind . . .

No. More. Lies.

"Integrity is telling myself the truth.  And honesty is telling the truth to other people."

~Spencer Johnson

People lie.

Some people are so caught up in the habit of lying, they do not even realize they are doing it and haven't a clue that their lies are so transparent and the truth is so, uhm, true, that people around them usually pick up on the lie in the moment.

Lies aren't pretty and the people that have the habit build a big, huge, ugly alienating wall around themselves.  In fact, how can you relax and enjoy life when you are constantly deluded by the world you have created around yourself.

This can take on very pathological proportions.  The person with the habit of lying can be confronted with the real issues, real evidence in front of them and yet continue to lie as if saying their deluded belief or writing long enough about it will suddenly turn it into truth.

This is a horribly sad and anxiety provoking life.  Many people that pathologically lie have narcissistic traits as discussed in last week's post.  After all, how can you perpetuate so much twisting and inventing of facts unless you dwell in a belief system that has you existing on a higher plain than the mere peons you are habitually lying to?

If you habitually lie, even little lies: Stop It.  

It will eventually destroy you and your life and your relationships.  If you can't break the habit, then seek help.  Hopefully if you lie you are not so wrapped up in that component of your functioning that you have deluded even yourself into believing the untruths and you have an ability to see the need for change.

M. Scott Peck the renowned author of The Road Less Travelled wrote an excellent follow up book: People of the Lie.  He adeptly describes the inherent evil that is perpetuated by lies and the people that refuse to acknowledge their aberrant behavior. 

His premises are:

1. The evil hide their motives with lies.
2. Evil people want to appear to be good.
3. When confronted by evil, the wisest and most secure adult will usually experience confusion.
4. Evil seeks to discourage others to think for themselves (fosters dependency).
5. To oppose evil we must have an ongoing dedication to reality at all cost.

Note number 3.  That is why you feel that way if you have a pathological liar in your life.  

Do Good ~ Avoid Evil = strive for honestly in action, word and deed.

NARCISSISTIC: The Word of the Week

The Springfield State Journal Register had a recent article that was exploring the state of our current Illinois Governor's mental health. Several local mental health professionals were consulted and all agreed that the gov surely fit, at least some, of the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Of course, any professional would hesitate to make any sort of definitive diagnosis without a diagnostic interview.

Below is the list of diagnostic criteria, 5 of which must be present to qualify a candidate for winning THE diagnosis. Most people with NPD won't be asking for your vote because they'll know you've voted for them and if you didn't they wouldn't want your ignorance backing them anyway. Nothing personal there, just trying to help you climb inside and take a ride in the gas/energy guzzling ride of a narcissistic personality.

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique
4. requires excessive admiration
5. has a sense of entitlement i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
6. is interpersonally exploitative i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
8. is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

I don't know the actual number of individuals having been diagnosed but I can say with certainty that we have many people with narcissistic traits walking among us. I have known people with these characteristics in my personal and professional life.

It isn't pretty.

The sense of self-entitlement-- getting what they want or think they deserve with no concern about anyone but themselves, "you owe me," is pathological and destroys foundations of relationships (personal and professional) left and right.

One of the quoted professionals on the SJ-R article mentioned that individuals with NPD do not frequently get therapy because they do not think they are the problem. I would add that a narcissistic person will drag others to therapy (when it sometimes more disruptive than helpful) to try and prove that others have a problem and they do not; and they may also attend alone giving the professional their one-sided view of their life and their relationships without confirmation of their stories/experiences, and use that as an opportunity to grab some validation, "see, I got help and they think I'm fine (or right, or best . . .)."  In other words, they haven't gone to get help but to stage a scenario where, once again, they can be told they are right.

The children of the person with NPD suffer most. They are so confused about what is true and what isn't, what is right and what is wrong, what is an appropriate emotional response and what is emotional drama and overreaction-- their foundation for successful emotional and social development is at great risk.

Children will likely either fall into the parent's footsteps and have similar narcissistic qualities or be at risk for severe self esteem issues; after all, they were never important enough for the parent to put their own issues and agendas aside and parent appropriately. These children have been brought up seeing such inconsistencies in the words, actions and values their frame of reference is skewed.

Imagine that you are a child and your parent would lie and put the blame about an issue on you instead of accepting responsibility for something that the parent did and the child KNOWS the parent did. And imagine the parent does it with a big smile on their face, all the while insisting that they are reporting the truth. There stands the child, knowing they can't question their parent (who is ALWAYS right), unable to stand up and defend their own integrity; there is no foundational breeding ground for core values of honesty, integrity, loyalty. Unless, you hope and pray, they have other adult role models that model positive values and can give the child a reality check when needed.

I am not a proponent of putting individuals into a diagnostic box, which our insurance system forces us to do in this day and age, because many of the emotional and behavioral health issues, I believe, fall into a spectrum of severity as well as overlap with other diagnosis. Many people with the narcissistic traits will also have characteristics of borderline personality disorder-- in both cases people learn they must walk on eggshells around these folks so as not to catch their wrath; of course that rarely works because the people thrive on the drama they create and manipulate.

So when you hear our infamous current governor, as I did on NPR today, sounding so nonchalant about his predicament and comparing himself to situations in movies and the movie characters and people that have historically been done wrong and then hear the list of television talk shows he is going on later in the day and all the while you are thinking, if that was me I would be so embarrassed I'd want to hole up somewhere they would never look for me-- like the Springfield Governors Mansion . . . Don't worry, you haven't lost your mind.

But also understand, you don't have to be in government or Hollywood to be brushing shoulders with people with narcissistic traits. And when you brush up to someone with similar characteristics, what the best thing to do? Take care of yourself. Helping others is not on their list of things to do.

Many professionals have the opinion that folks with personality disorders typically will not get or accept treatment, for one reason because PD's aren't something that can be cured with medicine and it takes a true willingness to change.

But I've seen people decide to get better and do so.

Just like with addictions, the person has to hit their own personal rock-bottom and decide, "ENOUGH, I cannot live like this anymore." 

Unfortunately it isn't usually the piles of those they have wounded that announces that their "bottom" is near, but an assault to their own person. For some people, being indicted could be that bottom. 

For others, it never happens.

a little follow-up on to today's sj-r article.

Hello out there,

If you are here today because of the article (click the word article to read) in today's State Journal Register, please feel free to scroll down to my post: Run Obama Run, which was inspired by my interview for that article.

My personal post script-- nursing my broken rib continues and I am committed to continuing my 15 minute a day run on exercise (I solemnly swear to get a least 15 minutes of heart rate raising exercise in a day).  So as not to be overzealous, as I was the first week post rib fracture-- I am looking at the deep breathing exercises that are a must with a rib fracture to prevent pneumonia as a part of my daily routine and trying to stretch as much possible.

My first post on this blog and my side bar tells a bit about  myself.

Welcome and make yourself at home.  Best of luck with all your wellness goals!  I'm a firm believer that our inner wellness and balance only enhances taking care of our bodies.

Happy Monday!

Watching our 44th President ~ arrive

I've just heard Aretha and am now watching Biden being sworn in.

I hadn't had the opportunity to test this, but bawling like a baby hurts worse than laughing on a broken rib.

This is an amazing day.

I am so happy for the civil rights activists, the families who have lost loved ones to our unspeakable race war within this country that has gone so easily ignored to such a large faction, and for people like my 86 year old mother who have lived through and remember much of the pain.

I am so happy for all oppressed people that can feel a bit more hopeful today.

I am so happy for our children who have gotten such a wonderful example of how freedom and education and persistence and courage and perseverance and the ability to hold your head high and make the right choices makes all things possible.

Tis a gift to be simple

Tis a gift to be free 

Tis a gift to come back where we ought to be

And when we find ourselves in the place just right 

Will be in the valley of love and delight

When true simplicity is gained

to bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed

To turn, turn, will be our delight

Til by turning and turning come round right.

I hope the beautifully profound, yet simple, lyrics to the instrumental that is being played so breathtakingly as I write hold true as a testimony to the change brought forth by what I am witnessing at this moment.

And he is taking the OATH.  NOW.  

President Barack Obama has arrived!  The 44th President of the United States.

Welcome.  We've been waiting for you.

And if you have interest, check out this 1996 article in the New Yorker for an interview of Michelle and Obama.  Then.

And look at them.  NOW.

a plane crash, a presidency, calm and karma

A picture paints a thousand words.  

In this case an out and out miracle is illustrated.  Those are people, yes people, calmly standing on the wings of an airplane that has gone down.  

As reported by the New York Times-- the emergency landing of the US Airways airbus into the Hudson RIVER (no, not a controlled emergency landing on a runway or a cornfield or a freeway but a highway of water) was as calm and effective as a text book example for future pilots might be.

There were first-hand testimonials of how the passengers seemed to pick up on the calm in which this entire near-disaster was handled.  Yes, there were some shouts by passengers on impact, but not the fear-of-imminent-death-frenzy we have all imagined happens as an airplane goes down.  I read somewhere that one passenger was quoted as saying that no one put their head between their knees-- we wanted to see what was coming.

The praise for Captain Sullenberger is unending.  The magical combination of becoming an award winning stand-out pilot at the age of 14, his meticulous attention to detail, and his voracious preparation/involvement in flight disaster prevention, as well as experience piloting gliders just may have been the lucky hand that brought these Airbus passengers home safely. 

But I personally think that the calm from which he acted trumps the other preparation. (or was he calm because he was so knowledgeable and prepared-- very well may be, still CALM was so pertinent)

One thing is clear-- calm breeds calm.  The accounts also astound when passengers report the methodical,  non hysterical exit and the near-serene stillness as they waited on the wings for rescue-- as so many of these amazing photographs show us.  And then Captain Sully calmly went into the airbus that was quickly turning into a sinking water bus, not once, but twice to make sure no passengers were left behind.  

It is a week of historically miraculous happenings.  As we see our new President of the United States get sworn into office and swept into the frenzy that is the presidency I am reminded of, how throughout his campaign calm bred calm.

You know how I try to shoot for zen?  I was embarrassed at myself during some of those Presidential debates.  When McCain was, what I considered, maliciously attacking and taking great pleasure in it, I'd find myself chanting "Keating Five, Keating Five. . ."  I couldn't fathom how, with all the negative sewage McCain plunged up and hurled at the world, Barack's team did not mention the Keating Five in public-- something that was actually a concrete example of impairment in McCain's judgment and a part of our history (forget how he met his wife and chased her around a cocktail table and or his service history and indiscretions prior to being a POW. . .  I'll stop now for I am not going down the calm breeds calm road).

But our President, the one that is Barack Obama, took the high road.  He didn't sling mud back at the slingers.  He didn't let himself be riled by the anger he might have felt when such desperate measures were attempted to discredit him.  AND, he continued to speak complimentary of his attackers; a bit reminiscent of, "forgive them Father for they know not what they do . . ."  (yes, I've heard the jokes comparing him to "the chosen one" or "the second coming" but hey-- how long has it been since you've seen a public figure emulate such kind and forgiving behavior?  in the public eye, no less?)

AND WHERE DID THAT WIMPY APPROACH GET HIM?

Yep, unless you live under a rock you know:  it caused a movement.  A movement that said, enough is enough. Hate begets hate and violence and racism, sexims, sexualityism, ageism, and all other isms.  

Change comes from within.  It comes from finding the inner calm in the outer storm.  And then Karma takes over.  

Karma:   The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.

Thank you President Barack Obama and Captain "Sully" for living a life of "practicing what you preach."  For knowing it would be calm and mindful planning in the face of danger and panic and history-making events that would allow you to get the results you had always been planning for; that you have been waiting to be called upon to use.

And thank you for having the inner balance and resolve that when push came to shove you weren't a person that just talked a talk (or yelled a yell for that matter).  You had the skill and presence of mind to put follow-through with actions: you walked the walk in a most miraculously effective way.

Facebook Verdict

Initially I was asked to join Facebook for networking purposes by some professionals that I had some affiliation with in California.  I joined.  My account sat dry and unmoving.  I didn't get it at all.

Then, SpringfieldMoms.org asked all the advisory board members to join for networking purposes and as an alternative way to get the word about this excellent resource.  

Not only did the Spfld Moms hit the ground running,  networking on semi-professional ground, but given who we were-- many mothers with a variety of children and situations-- we had lots to touch base and connect about.  And so a sweet little carousel of support has taken root.

My initial thoughts about Facebook were: how trite.  It is a mere facsimile of attempting to have a relationship with no depth, no reciprocity and no genuine interaction.  HMPH!

What I didn't realize was that just as face to face relationships have their own developmental progression, which cannot be rushed: so goes Facebook, your relationship with Facebook itself and your "friends" themselves.

As one friend put it succinctly, "As busy as I am, working full time and having three children and a partner with not much time to socialize-- it is nice to at least have a sense that I am connecting with other adults; even when the connection is superficial."

But now after several months of Facebook I have seen the support that comes from others to their friends when there are joys or concerns.  I've witnessed the outpouring of support when people have a death in the family or a birth or had to put a beloved pet down.  When someone is injured, having a bad day, dealing with a bout of seasonal affective disorder (you know who you are) and needing a rousing round of "let's pretend we are planning our trip to the tropics while it is subzero outside."  Yes, people network, tell jokes and commiserate freely and there is something refreshing about it to me.

I know there are concerns that these next generations will lack an ability to have and sustain genuine relationships and let's face it: that takes work even with optimal ability and willing face to face participants.  But in lieu of not feeling 100% at peace with this plugged in sense of community that is among us (we text, IM, email, facebook, myspace, blog . . .) does that mean we think we can really accomplish anything by sitting it out and saying, "HMPH.  Not doing that new-fangled stuff. ?"

IMHO (in my humble opinion, spelled out for non-techies) that would be cutting off our relationships to spite our lack of communication.  I prefer to embrace the trends, get to know and connect with people in whatever way our current societal climate supports and try, TRY, to bring something positive to the endeavor.

In the mean time, I do have a crazy-busy life and a set of circumstances that does not lend itself to being on many people's short list for spontaneous invitations or the means of holding down the fort to socialize very routinely.  

I am a people-person and, honestly, I never would have thought I would have said this based on my first interaction with Facebook-- but I do feel it serves  a pleasant connecting purpose in these frequently isolating times.

My verdict: Facebook may live.

Run Obama Run

Dear President Obama,

I was recently contacted by a free lance writer, Amy McFadden, whom while researching an article for our local newspaper asked me for commentary on how to stay true to an exercise routine when you have an extremely busy schedule (ala Obama).

Here would be my personal recommendations for you your highness, Mr. President Barack Obama (bowing now):

1. Adopt my personal approach: commit to getting at least 15 minutes of exercise in each day (preferably cardio and definitely not 7 days of toe touching).

Fitness Zone (Fat Burning) --- 60 - 70% of maximum heart rate

Aerobic Zone (Endurance Training) --- 70 - 80% of maximum heart rate: The aerobic zone will improve your cardiovascular and respiratory system AND increase the size and strength of your heart. This is the preferred zone if you are training for an endurance event. More calories are burned with 50% from fat.

So shoot for 60-80% of maximum heart rate

hence-

2. Make at least 5 of those sessions per week cardio/aerobic.

3. Get a cardiopulmonary stress test so that you can determine your true maximum heart rate.

Mr. President, I'm sure your health plan would cover this-- but not so sure for the rest of us if we are otherwise healthy. I believe you can arrange this through the Center for Living at Prairie Heart Institute if you are interested for wellness purposes.

My husband, The Cardiologist, highly recommends you get this test rather than follow a chart to determine maximum heart rate.

IF you must, however, search for the method that makes you take your resting pulse before you get out of bed for 3 days to use the resting heart rate for the equation, it will be most accurate.

The premise is, when time is limited, you want to make sure you are following an exercise prescription that is giving you maximum benefit for your cardiovascular system.

4. Strive to get your exercise in first thing in the morning.

Mr. President, I'm pretty sure they have a gym and maybe even a pool that is very accessible to you; subtly apply the guilt of, "how can I not take advantage of this wonderful opportunity I have been given while contemplating pressing the snooze button."

Research has shown that people who get their exercise in first thing in the morning are more likely to continue long term.

5. Set your alarm half an hour (plus) earlier than you normally would each day.

6. Don't press snooze. If you set your alarm, put it across the room so you have to get up. If you have a Jeeves that is at your beck and call, you could even ask that he awaken you and dress you; you can't break a date and embarrass yourself with Sir Jeeves.

7. Mentally reward yourself for the 9 times out of 10 that you will exercise longer than 15 minutes because once you get started, "hey this isn't so bad . . ." and you probably have an extra 10-20 minutes before you have to shower and be in the Oval Office or help see the girls off to school after all.

Remember the church lady on Saturday Night Live? And remember the superior strut? Now clearly, that would not be a presidential dance for you to actually be doing throughout this presidency when you are feeling really pumped about yourself, but mentally, whoa-- go for it.

When you have that exercise wiped out at the beginning of your day you won't be able to resist having a bit of an internal dance going on as you bask in the knowledge that you have accomplished a wonderfully healthy goal for yourself and gotten your day off to an amazing start. You'll be amazed at the physical and emotional energy taking care of yourself first thing in the day will do for you.

8. Never. Repeat NEVER have said reward be a cigarette. Very bad Presidential form. New mantra to use: "Cigs negate aerobic benefit."

9. Get sufficient rest. This is a real challenge for you, Mr. President. We all know how much sleep we need to function optimally. Set a realistic goal of a bedtime to try to meet so that you will be rested enough to get out of bed and get moving in the morning.

10. Vow to not let travel or war or late night meetings or any variety of distractions throw you off of said plan. Pack a jump rope, just in case a gym is not available or practical, so there are no excuses. Jump for as long as you can hold, walk in place and catch breath, and repeat. Resistance bands are another must for travel!

Not that you will be getting charged for your luggage like the rest of us, but I know you are concerned about your carbon footprint and, hey, the lighter those planes, the less fuel they use!

11. Walk as much as possible throughout the day. Being who you are, you will be offered to be chauffeured ad nauseam (they may even offer the occasional piggy back ride). Wear a pedometer or BodyBugg and make it a game to see just how many steps you can get in throughout the day and how many calories you can burn during exercise. You'll need some distractions and this is a positive one.

For those of us that can stand to drop some weight-- we should stand as much as possible: stand and pace while talking on the phone, stand and work on your computer at a counter. Standing burns twice the amount of calories of sitting.

12. As much as possible insert a daily walk with Michelle into your routine. This will provide you with some important connect time and be a healthy habit for you both as well as for your relationship.

13. Have fun. Make those games you love a part of your leisure. I know you love basketball and I read early on in choosing your cabinet that you have chosen several folks that used to play basketball in college. Have fun with that. Set a routine time (once a month or even more frequently) for you all to meet while attempting to cream each other in a good ole fashioned game of b-ball.

14. Look at food as fuel and attempt to fuel your body with Premium Plus. Attempt to stay away from processed foods and strive to take in healthy calories every 2 hours. Keep your office stocked with healthy snacks. This will help with your cognitive function, energy level, and beyond. Try to put a healthy protein with each feeding. You do not appear to need to lose weight in the least-- the BodyBugg can give you more insight in just how many calories you need to maintain your weight.

15. And don't forget the mind games for yourself. If you are ever the least bit tempted to feel guilty for spending time or energy on yourself with so much going on in the world and around you remind yourself: I cannot take care of others (or a country) unless I am taking care of myself.

We want a healthy president. We want you to take the time to take care of yourself.

Wishing you optimal health and functioning during your stay at the White House~

Love,

Coach Becky

P.S.
Mr. President~feel free to contact me a at my lifejourneycoaches website and we can arrange some convenient email coaching sessions for support and accountability. . . but I think they want you to stop using the Blackberry. (I can, however, keep a secret)

. . . or forever hold your peace.

Filters.

Cars have them. Dryers have them. Cigs (bad, bad) have them. Coffee makers have them.

And yes, humans have them.

Unfortunately, our filters don't engage automatically like the afore mentioned filters do in their respective processes. Our filters, the one's that we sometimes call upon when deciding how to answer a question or approach a thought or subject with another human being (i.e. should I be polite, should I be painfully honest, should I ignore, etc.) must be mindfully engaged if they are to work.

I find this topic fascinating.

Boundaries in relationships can be a very good thing: I know where I stop and you begin and infrequently shall the twain meet. My inner thoughts, motives, actions do not have to be on my sleeve and out there for every person that I come in contact with. I have the choice-- which makes life a heckuva lot less dramatic than when these boundaries or filters are not in place.

But shouldn't there be a place that we can go to with the people that are dearest to us that isn't about walking on eggshells and is real and genuine and honest and can be called upon during times of stress, turmoil, confusion or just a good old fashioned healthy debate? Are we only friends if we are being polite and trying to make each other feel good?

I've heard men address this as a very gender-loaded subject. Seems many men think they are much more comfortable confronting each other and giving constructive criticism than they see women being. Some men think that it's just the business of being a friend or colleague-- saying what is on your mind with filters sat on the way-low setting. These men observe that women seem to be more sensitive in this area and shy away from confrontation, conflict or heated debate; so as to avoid hurting any feelings or stepping on egos at all costs.

As one man said to me, "If you have really close friends, you HAVE to be brutally honest with each other-- otherwise it is just another superficial relationship. Right?"

To which I answered in the most professional voice I could muster: "uhmidunno."

New Release: The Gift of the Broken Rib

Tonight my husband is on his knees worshipping The Broken Rib.

I called him on his way home and asked him to stop at the pharmacy to pick up some Tylenol PM so maybe I could be zonked enough to stay in one position more than one hour at a time, therefore minimizing the shrieks brought on by attempting to move in bed (which is absolutely confirmed as the most painful position for a rib injury-- that is, if you move in bed).  

Important aside:  I am not a pain-wimp.  As my husband brought to the attention of my co-workers today-- "this from the woman that was in labor for 5 days and gave birth in our house with no pain relief . . ."  He's still impressed by that.  

The unfortunate fact is that the rib spasms in bed-- due to the amount the core is needed to negotiate movement in bed-- hit me about as strong as those contractions that would wake me up, which I described as undramatically as possible, "like being awakened by a wrought iron skillet hitting you over the head."

So hubby stops at the pharmacy where our friend The Pharmacist works.  He brings home the recommended med and then suggests I call our friend to thank him for the help; which I promptly do.  

As soon as I hang up the phone my husband adds, "by the way, they got a new sail boat and have offered to give us theirs, remember the one we've sailed in?  It's ours if we want it."  

Wh wh wh what????  This is an awesome boat with a cabin and it really floats and even moves and we don't have one and what????  

"Why didn't you tell me as I was calling to thank him?  I thank him for his help but not the sailboat?"  

To which dear hubby sheepishly responds, "I wanted to make sure you were on board first . . ."

Then I had to make the follow up phone call-- oh yeah, and by the way, THANKS FOR THE BOAT!!!  (they've got a new awesome boat, this boat was given to them and they wanted to continue the charm)

So there you have it.   I don't have to spell the serendipity out do I???  

These are friends we see much more in the nicer climate when we are doing outdoor activities. If I hadn't broken this rib and my husband hadn't made his timely visit, the stars just may not have aligned in this most perfect fashion. We would have been none the wiser and someone else would have carried on the saga of the charmed boat (family members, by the way, had turned down his offer of the gift).

Right now I'm feeling like O. Henry has nothing on us and it is close enough to the holidays that I could maybe turn this into a classic tale . . .  The Gift of the Broken Rib.

Here's to the sweetest people EVER.  

And, sure, here's to the gift of the broken rib.  At least I can now giggle with the reminder the pain brings me.  

Lemons to lemonade scores a big one!

No Surrender

Does this ever happen to you?

You make a commitment for some positive change in your life, that you can actually control, and poof-- right when you think you've got it down, you fall on your face?

It just happened to me.

Literally.

If you read back at my "resolutions" post, you will see that I have this brilliant idea to psyche myself into getting some exercise every day. Though I vowed to myself not to report in about it until the end of the month, I must share.

I've had a run on my resolution. So far, every day, I have exercised for at least 15 minutes. And only ONE day did I exercise for ONLY 15 minutes.

Psyche.

It's working!

Guess what happened yesterday?

I literally fell flat on my face.

My husband and my four year old and my self were walking through a parking lot when said four year old (whom I was hand-holding) began doing the bob and weave and baby-tripped me. So as not to throw myself into said four year old's gait and send him flying, I did not do the typical giant, leaping steps and flailing arms we adults do to regain our balance and keep our face off the ground.

Little did I know, that split second choice would send me falling straight flat on my face. Seriously now, imagine a telephone pole being pushed over and landing with a gargantuan thud.

That was me.

I heard/felt something pop in my rib region. My hands were embedded with gravel. I literally had gravel dust all up my legs and trunk which was proof, positive of the full body log-like contact I had made with the ground. A kind stranger was much more freaked out than my husband who was 3 strides ahead, because he actually saw it and I remember him yelling, "Oh my God!!!"

Thank heaven for yoga-- I actually landed in somewhat of a cobra position so that my face was spared of the gravel debridement.

The long version would go on and talk about the fear of breathing in too far because what would happen if there is a little splinter there that could puncture my lung . . . and all sorts of happy thoughts like that. But I'll try for the shorter version.

I was sore last night. I have taken a regular regime of anti-inflammatories to keep the inflammation and pain at bay.

Sleep was hell.

Every time I woke up and had excruciating pain I would wince at the fact that I was surely going to be an invalid for the next several days. One of the last dreams I had was that I slept all the way through until 3:30 pm when my boys arrived home from school, being the invalid that I was.

My husband kissed me good-bye after kindly getting everyone rounded for school and shoving more ibuprofen in my mouth, to which I winced, "what am I going to do for my exercise???" "Honey, you didn't figure an injury in there, it's not practical-- you'll have to skip." To which I moaned--- Nooooooo . . .

I lie in pain for a while longer and then carefully and slowly pried myself out of bed by using the headboard for momentum. And guess what? After I was up for about 5 minutes I had this revelation: the absolutely worst and most painful position for rib injuries is lying down.

No, I'm not a picture of comfort but I am not writhing in pain like I was in bed. So the prognosis isn't quite as bad as I had painted for myself and my resolution.

As I write this, I find it an interesting metaphor for some of the challenges in life. The whole 3 steps forward, 2 steps back phenomenon.

We have a relationship in our life that is an extreme challenge. It is a necessary relationship, one that we cannot end at will for various reasons, but it is a very, very difficult relationship. It is compromised by the afore mentioned 3 step/2 step concept. As soon as you feel that you are on some secure footing and communication is about as optimal as it is going to get: SPLAT. We are pushed flat on our face, so to speak.

I'm sure you have them too. Examples of where you can only do what is in your control to make a situation or relationship optimal but the reception of that is variable and very out of your control.

It's hard when you feel like you are following the program, then splat, there you are pushing yourself off the ground again and having to accept the fact that the other party just hasn't and may never sign up for the "optimal communication" plan.

Then we cue ourselves: we can only do what is in our power; we can only control ourselves; WE are the only ones that can stick to OUR plan . . .

A rough patch doesn't mean throwing in the towel, but it may mean restructuring expectations or, in some cases, willing surrender just to save the feeling of being beat up repeatedly.

For me? Just before I sat down to write this I tried to jog around the house. OUCH. The jarring wasn't a good call. Then I hopped up on the elliptical and gave it a try for about 2 minutes. Much better.

I may have to tweak my plan a bit, but as for today: No retreat baby . . . No Surrender. (Go to 0:44-1:25 mark for relevant refrain) :-)

Let the miracles begin

I'm discovering that there are many fascinating videos posted on You Tube. I found this one very sweet for 2009.

the long, long, long life of benjamin button

So what did you think?

I was a total victim of the movie pre-hype syndrome.  I loved the concept.  Like (enough) Brad Pitt.   Love Kate Blanchett.  

So what could go wrong?

I listened to Oprah.  

The one time I have seen Oprah in the past year, which had to have been at a hotel since we don't have cable, she had the cast on and raved and raved and raved about the movie.  

Here's the deal-- I'm slow, but I've finally figured it out.   Oprah has friends in high places and they all, understandably cover each other's backs.

The movie, in my humble opinion, could have easily been sooo much better to me than it was.  I don't like it when the movie makers (up there in the sky or wherever they live) choose to make the point that their creation is of epic proportions by making it epic-length.  

So in a nutshell--  there were too many languishing pregnant pauses throughout.  The one laugh that kept recurring, "Did I ever tell you I was struck by lightening 7 times," soon became less cute with the predictability.  And it wasn't the deal breaking be-all on the whole "circle of life," which I absolutely am interested in Oprah; but this was not it. . .  

This was a long, amazingly effected fairy tale that had little to do with real life.  And I found the attempt to intertwine Katrina throughout it trite and ineffective.  (I know, you want me to tell you how I really feel about it.  Right?)  This movie does a lot to explain Bradgelina's relationship with New Orleans.  

If you've, at the very least, seen the previews you would have noticed, though, Brad Pitt does make a very sweet and cute elderly kinder-man.  

Free "De-stress Kit for the Changing Times" download-- don't miss it!

Click here  to get a free de-stress "kit" from HeartMath.  

This is a very nice tool and they have kindly put it out in response to our difficult state of affairs. 

You are encouraged to share it at your workplace, with clients or wherever.  

Take care-

becky

what a long, strange holiday it's been . . .

Uhm. Happy New Year.

What a strange couple weeks it has been. If you need detailed background please fill free to peruse 2 posts down . . .

I feel my head peeking out of the holiday and virus laden days of yore, but I'm not quite there yet. I've been holding down the fort with a household of 5-9 children.

We are so spoiled with such a great space in the moderate weather (living on water) and a family that loves the outdoors that these more dark and frigid days tend to render everyone into an electronics induced fog (hence the frequent blogging). It's my own fault though, it's never as bad as you think it is if you make yourself venture out; I just need to strap on the armor and haul my carcass outside more often.

Which is what I did today to try and jump start that resolution I think I made. I ran for 2 miles and then came and got Banjo, the Cairn Terrier and Roscoe, the Welsh Corgi and we went for a very long walk. I was out for a total of 90 minutes and have the freezer-burn on my cheeks to show for it.

And it feels good.

This was all while hubby had taken the kids to Barnes and Noble to use some of their gift cards. So while I have a moment to myself in the house what do I do? Leave it. They passed me on their way home as I was walking the dogs.

Since my wonderful, uplifting holiday post a few days ago I've had another puker, as well as feigned pukers who caught their father's rath, "We've had too many people sick in this house to be faking! NOT FUNNY!"

That behavior stopped pretty quickly , but then my 2 days of queasiness started. It's the kind every person that has taken care of a den of germs has felt-- am I sick or do I just need to eat . . . which leads to flashbacks of what sickness really looks like . . . which then makes you queasy, thus afraid to eat . . . which I'm pretty sure eventually does lead to queasiness induced by famish.

You get the picture.

New Years Eve started mid afternoon with purging our home office area. Finally around 8:00 I'd had enough work for a holiday and took my computer to bed and hulu'd. For those of you that don't know, unfortunately that act is not pornographic but a way to stream shows on your computer. My husband eased the computer away from my dead sleeping self well before midnight. Yep, wild and crazy never ends.

In the midst of the chaos we've had a couple wonderful interludes with friends-- as in adults. And I haven't lost sight of how lucky we are-- viruses, crabbiness and all-- or how I wish for all of your families and mine the most healthy and exuber-tole-rant year possible.

Peace. Out.

contemplating the life of a resolution . . .

Yep, I'm a sucker for them.

I do like to review the past year and contemplate what kind of positive changes I need to institute in my day to day life as I baby-step my own path toward optimal living.

Even if the resolution doesn't stay with me throughout the entire year, I find it a good practice of introspection-- much like writing here invites me to explore issues that I might not quite articulate in my head or find time to ponder.

In my head it can look more like: thought, thought, damn I'm a wimp for not handling ______ better, thought, blah, thought, oh yeah I need to remember to breathe, thought, thought, blah, thought . . . ad nauseam.

In other words when my feet are spinning and I'm rushing to work or helping others with their goal setting or most recent dilemma, or herding children, my inner cognitions aren't necessarily the most centered or goal oriented. In fact, during much of the busy time my goal for those thoughts is stopping them rather than exploring them so they do not take energy from their other matters at hand.

Therein lies the gift of scheduled contemplation. Whether it be reviewing the past year and thinking of goals for the next, or journalling, or blogging, or having a heartfelt conversation with a soul mate-- that committed time to evaluate and plan about "life" as we know it and as we want it is a productive gift. And also an opportunity to contemplate discarding what hasn't been working the past year. So, yep, I like that once a year I actually take a few days to ponder possibilities for change.

This year I'm scheming a plan to totally psych my inner psyche out. What if I commit to getting at least 15 minutes of exercise a day and challenge myself to keep the streak the entire year? I've exercised every day for 6 weeks one time; it was doable. The psych out, I would hope, would be that once I have done 15 minutes-- nine times out of ten I will continue further. I can't remember ever planning to exercise only 15 minutes.

So there you have it, with 2 days left to ponder . . . I may have a simple one but I think it would prove a challenge and I really think it would feel close to finishing- a-marathon-exhilaration if I could do it.

And for the record, I'm usually very vague-- I'll have a healthier diet, I'll exercise more, I'll spend more time meditating. I'm willing to experiment and see if the concrete may be more effective for me.

I think. . . two days to decide.

and there we have it . . .

It is post Christmas and while everyone's holiday beliefs, practices and cultural foundation is different, there does seem to be a common theme of being ever hopeful of magical times during this season.

WARNING: Don't read any further if you are expecting an uplifting holiday message.

It is a well known fact that this time of the year can be extremely difficult for some people-- people that feel isolated, that have had more than their share of loss, people going through difficult times or depression . . .

This Christmas I felt like a I was living the movie "It's a Wonderful Life." Not that part about it being a wonderful life, but the part where you are shown how easily life around you can be totally different--in a very negative way-- or that your life can change for the worse in a matter of a minute.

Part of the responsibility for my glimpse into this netherworld has to do with the fact that I do work in a helping capacity in the medical field, so I hear stories. Lots of stories. But they are not fiction. They are real life.

I saw one of the sweetest people I've met recently the week before Christmas. "Did you see it in the paper? He died last week." The tears streamed down her face as she smiled and said, "I'll be all right." I knew her husband had been ill, but I didn't realize he was that ill. We talked about her grief AND relief for the end of his suffering. I knew she would be all right. But the empathy, which is what drives people like me into a field of work I do sometimes hits very hard. As I imagined the loss of her life partner and the holiday gathering where they would further experience his absence, I felt her pain.

The same day, I ran into another of the sweetest people ever. "It's been a bit of a stressful time. We just found out yesterday that my husband has prostate cancer; we find out how bad it is tomorrow." She stated that when the nurse called to tell them the bad news she said, "I keep telling the doctor to stop ordering these tests around the holidays. I can't bear giving families bad news at this time of the year." Her response: "We are hoping that we can view it as a gift-- that it was found early." This woman is in her 50's and her husband is the youngest 70 year old you would ever see. I enjoyed listening to their biking stories; they are avid bikers and exercisers. Her eyes glistened as she talked about how they were being so conscious of living a healthy lifestyle so they could increase the years they would be together-- discussions my husband and I have about our life . . . Once again the empathy tugged.

One of my husband's dear nurse's husband had a sudden onset of some rare neurological symptoms that put him in ICU-- unresponsive and on a ventilator exactly 2 weeks before Christmas day. She has been living in the ICU because he seems more calm when she is there. He had just recently retired and they had just moved into their home that they built for this phase of their lives-- a place where they could be in the country enjoying the land and their well deserved less hectic lives together. These plans have been altered. The doctors are not sure about his recovery at all. It was proving difficult to wean him off the vent and his responses were limited. Her future, as she envisioned it, is forever changed.

This Monday morning I ran into my husband in the parking garage at the hospital as we were both coming in to work; he had an earlier meeting at another location and had been paged. A patient that was very special to him-- he regularly brought us pheasant that he hunted-- had just been found dead in his driveway. "This is tragic," he said. That's horrible I told him. And then I shared my horrible news of the day. As I was walking out the door my brother had called. A classmate from grade and high school had just committed suicide. He was having some legal difficulty, was separated from his second wife-- the mother of their twins and had four children from a previous marriage. My 86 year old mother is very close to his mother and was devastated trying to comfort her friend through what she has always said would be the most awful thing: to lose a child before you die. The small town's Christmas surely felt different to everyone this year. What will Christmas mean to his children for the rest of their lives???

That same Monday I picked our four year old up from school and his cheeks were beet red. It was a long work day so it was almost 6:00 when I got him. He was burning up so I took him directly to Prompt Care where we spent the next 90 minutes. Thankfully we took him then and got him started on some antibiotics because his condition deteriorated rather quickly. I slept with him for the next two nights. Or shall I say he slept with me. In his delirious sleep he nightmared, kicked and thrashed. He half slept. I watched him.

The next day, this past Tuesday, I found out that a sweet, sweet man that was in the play The Laramie Project with us was found dead in his apartment after not showing to work. He was 54. He didn't have much family and from the looks of his obituary in the paper there may not be a service. Man, I wish I would have seen him at some point just to say hi. Now he's gone.

We finally got to Christmas eve with a house full of nine kids. The two sleep deprived parents became crabby and fussy and didn't communicate very respectfully with each other over some misunderstandings. We were creating our own version of the nightmare before Christmas. Getting up at 2:30 a.m. to distribute gifts added one more sleep deprived night to the bank and we were up to the beckoning of children, painted on the delirious smile and got through Christmas day.

Finally, I thought-- the youngest slept in his bed and did okay last night and seems to be out of the woods. Finally I will get that much needed night's rest.

At 2:30 a.m. there was a knock on the door. My fourteen year old informs me that he couldn't make it from his loft bed to the bathroom and has puked all over his bedroom floor. Being the gagging at the sight of puke-incompetent parent that I am and wishing hope upon hope that he wasn't REALLY sick and it was a one time event I gave him the paper towels, garbage bags and spray disinfectant and explained to him what to do. I don't think he saw my fingers crossed behind my back.

He was back soon informing me that cleaning up the puke had made him puke more. A concept I totally related to as I gagged my way through cleaning up the mess. That cleaning process was so massive I had to do it in stages: initial cleaning, baking soda sitting on it for hours, vacuum up, another soap and water clean, disinfecting . . . (hey, I know this is way too much information-- you should have been living it!) He has JUST risen from his almost 36 hour sleep with minimal doses of ice chips and ginger ale. The kid was SICK.

And here I am on December 27th. I think our kids actually had a pretty good time for Christmas. And besides the couple of glimpses of tears running down my face, I think I was pretty good at hiding just how much all of this misery and sadness around us-- as well as our own sleep deprivation-- had affected me.

The bad news: there were even more sad stories but continuing this post in that vein was just getting morose. The good news: last night was the first night in I-don't-know-how-long I got a normal night's sleep.

So my message? While many of you reading this may have experienced all kinds of magic going on around you-- millions of others were experiencing the most tragic pain of their lives, accented by the fact that it was the holiday season-- a time for cheer and memories and wonder.

Let's light a candle for the troubled and the dying and the dead.

Let's live a life that realizes it could all change drastically in one moment.

Let's get a good nights' sleep every night we can . . . (I know, the profundity astounds . . .)

Oh Balance. . . where are you . . . (singing)

Tis the season.

Yesterday while driving around town I noticed just how un-holiday it looked. There are still leaves gathering around.

And I also noticed that the holiday schedule of commitment after commitment is upon us and it STILL doesn't feel very holiday like.

Thanks, in part, to Oprah-- after perusing January's edition of her magazine yesterday-- I do believe I know the cause of my skewed vision of this season: lack of balance.

Oprah comments on, ahem, where did those 40 lbs come from that she had lost a few years ago?

While I'm not obsessed with Oprah (my dear husband bought me a subscription just to have a night time read around when I am not into a book), I totally related to her dilemma. She realized that, once again, she let herself slip low on the priority totem pole.

How many of us do that? We have the best intentions of keeping up with our personal practice that we know helps us feel more balanced, more centered, more "zen-like" and just when you are breathing a sigh of relief, "whew, so glad I'll not have to go back to that chaotic way of life again," there you are perched atop the ferris wheel of stress-full living.

Consider giving yourself the gift of a regular check-in to make sure you are keeping yourself in the balance where you function best.

I know I have one, uno, 1, act that if I can just do it consistently-- the rest of my practice (exercising, writing, meditative practice) falls in place: sufficient sleep.

As a gift to myself, I hereby will give myself the gift of resting my body sufficiently. I will strive to be in bed by 9:30 and to sleep by 10:30. My body needs the rest.

In my wildest dreams as a teenager, would I have ever thought that the BEST holiday gift ever could be a curfew?

What is that one gift you can give yourself that you know would make everything else fall into place a little better for you? Maybe the first gift to yourself is pausing long enough to answer that question.

Happy Holidays!

One holiday down . . .

I hope this finds you all in a post holiday state of bliss.

I, on the other hand, ahem, am exhausted.

We had a relatively small and intimate and lovely Thanksgiving day and meal. Then Friday we took a whirlwind trip to Chicago to see my friend Anna's solo show (check out her new song if you want some inspiration!). Stephen, Atticus and I spent the night with her and her husband and their four year old and we were up at 6:00 the next morning to hit the road home.

Tomorrow I hit the road and travel 2 hours south to pick up my mom to come spend the week with us. She turns 86 on Friday and my son Luke turns 18 on the ninth.

Mom is still going to strong. She exercises and works in her yard, but she is getting a bit less reluctant to make solo road trips venturing too far from home. It's been a long time since she's come for a long sleep over and I look forward to having her here.

I'm having my family here on the 7th for holiday/birthday celebrations; it will be 15-20ish people.

Then my hubby and I are heading off to St. Louis for a few nights of R+R. Books. No laundry. No taxiing. No schedules. No have to's

That following weekend Luke and I will travel to Chicago for his audition and interview for Berklee College of Music in Boston.

Then the immediate Monday, the 15th, I host our holiday book club gathering.

And thereby goes the circle of life and living and doing and the reminder to, yes, sneak in the R + R freely and guiltlessly when able . . .

Or forever hold my peace.


PS
Yes, I've run twice this past week and it felt great. Especially when I was finished.

The above picture is motivation for dreams and doing. It is a smidge of the amazingly beautiful, yet challenging ride we did in Cape Town, South Africa that spawned the most consistent exercising I have ever done and hope to continue throughout my long life.

Action Precedes Motivation (repeat ad nauseam until body moves toward door)

It has been over 18 months now that I have been running more consistently than I ever have in my life. I have always been what I call an inconsistently consistent exerciser. After working out to prepare for a cycle event that was going to be the longest I had ever ridden-- 65 miles, in mountainous terrain-- Cape Town, South Africa, I didn't want to throw out the work I put into conditioning.

Thus my love-hate relationship with running was spawned. I love how it feels. As a kid I had undiagnosed exercise induced asthma so I grew up being one of those kids that just couldn't run. To be able to watch my body progress and add on miles, albeit slow miles, was miraculous to me. Prior to this last attack at running my longest run had been around 4 miles and I had never even imagined the possibility of running something like at 10k (6.2 miles).

At about the 3 month mark of my consistent running I spontaneously signed up for a local 10k, the day before the event. I did better than I ever would have imagined. If I could have continued my regular training at that rate, I would have reached amazing goals (for me) by now. But I soon thereafter was injured; surely from over-training on the heels of my new found confidence and imagined ability. Injury also comes with running.

Good news: in a previous life I would have totally chucked the running and said-- see, my body isn't made for running. But I persisted, saw a PT and got back into running by rehabbing and almost starting from scratch.

After that my husband and I began training for a half marathon to be held in April, 2008. The bad news: we were both re-injured. While I didn't have to go the full rehab routine, it totally messed with my retraining schedule; I had to take time off and then just had to hope I would be able to even finish the 13.1 miles. The injury occurred on my first 10 mile training run, which I ran with afore mentioned dear husband.

Big mistake.

I am best at being a solo runner. I pushed it too hard, half wanting to keep up and half trying to show off on some hills around mile 8.

Big mistake.

Some crazy thing happened at the back of my heel that was so intense I was sure it was a stress fracture-- xrays, MD visit later we decided it was something muscular and needed rest. It still eeks it's little nervy head at times.

We ran the half marathon with a cloud of paranoia over our head the entire way. Stephen had thrown his back out, I was coming back from the heel injury. We just wanted to finish so we stopped at ALL the rest stops: count 'em: LOTS. And we visited a bit and joked with the volunteers and then got moving again. We came in at 3:01 and considering that we at least killed 15 minutes on all the stops, it wasn't that bad.

My current dilemma: I run here and there, but have not found the consistency that I had previously. And I want to be a runner. I'd love to be enough of a runner to finally have my hard work of running + great nutrition give me just a smidgen of the physique of the runner in the above photo.

But the dark, frigid mornings came back quickly and with a vengeance, and all the other excuses of my life that I could write an entire expose on are my constant challenge. So I guess this just boils down to me sharing that this is an area I am really struggling to wrap some major motivation around. It may be that the most effective way for me to stay consistent is to train for another half marathon. I think I may have learned some lessons to help me stay injury free this time and I know having a goal like that increases motivation.

I do know one sure way that will increase my odds: get my glutes off the bed and my fingers off the keys and put my running clothes on and get out there.

And remind myself the mantra to live by when motivation is the issue: Action precedes Motivation.

mindfully contemplating gratitude . . .

It's that time of year.

On the radio, articles in this month's publications, newspapers and television-- myriad takes on being thankful.

I'm reminded of a chapter in Jon Kabat-Zinn's excellent book, "Wherever You Go, There You Are." In the chapter of the same title he ponders the concept of the need to have a spiritual retreat or vacation at that special place to feel rejuvenated. The core of mindfulness and his point in this chapter is to challenge us to live our lives in a way that we make that "retreat" part of every day, or even a grander aspiration, every moment.

The first time I read that chapter I was actually sitting on the edge of Lake Geneva at my favorite place of retreat. It is one of those moments that I have often remembered since. His commentary resonated with me because for years I had found myself so looking forward to that inner respite every year (and then dreading leaving to return to my "other" life) that I was forgetting that I could make exactly THAT inner retreat experience part of my everyday living.

Granted there are days, weeks, months or years that the task of mindfulness comes easier than others. But when we look at thankfulness or gratitude it would certainly help our well-being and those around us if we make feeling and expressing our gratitude a daily practice.

Frequently, the time it most difficult to practice gratitude is when we could benefit from it the most. By conjuring those people, places or things that we are thankful for in our lives, it can make that funk we may be in dissipate-- at least a bit.

Turkey- $30.00

Travel- $100

Calories-- 5000

Daily gratitude-- priceless.




If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it.
-Lucy Larcom

Lemonade from Lemons: i get it . . .

In my profession I have to accumulate 30 hours of continuing education units every couple of years to keep my license. And as most of you also feel during our busy lives: time flies.

So I signed up for an ongoing certification program held at Western Illinois University in Macomb, Illinois. Over a twelve week period I attended a full day seminar every 2 weeks-- a total of 6 sessions. Unfortunately, from a professional perspective, this seminar ended up not being particularly helpful for my line of work. Theoretically, when all was said and done I would have a total of 40 hours or CEUs so I could skip out a day and still get my hours.

Having a house full of kids, I knew that if I tempted fate before the final session, I would likely have a sick child on the last date and then my strategy would have failed; I would have to pay for and attend more continuing education before March. When the last course date arrived, I had the option to skip.

I didn't do it.

Even though much of the information presented did not relate to my work, I decided to come for my final day for a few reasons. First, there was the possibility that the information presented on this day could be a bit more relevant and my inner "achiever" found it hard to blow off class. But mainly it was because of a connection I made with one of my "classmates." We hit it off on the first day of class. The Presidential election campaign was in full swing at the end of summer when our courses began. It was apparent on our first meeting that we were on different teams, but that didn't inhibit the connection we made.

Have you had that happen? Have you ever met someone, serendipitously, that made a surprising impact on your life? I'm reminded of the quote by Deepak Chopra:

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”

This also falls into a category of assessing occasions in our life as "everything happens for a reason."

So as I wind up the last day in this lengthy course and prepare for a lengthy drive home I prepare to say good bye to my class mate and partner in crime (clearly I'm typing this during the course so I wasn't always fully attentive) and embark on what will very likely be a lengthy friendship.

That, is what this adventure was all about.

My Illinois Times articles

Click here to find the archive of the articles I did for Illinois Times. Type Becky Aud-Jennison in the search engine on that page and my articles will appear.

My goal was to highlight alternative/integrative practitioners so our community could become more aware of their services. I met some amazing people; it was a rich experience.

Peace,
becky

Springfieldmoms.org

Click on this link at SpringfieldMoms website and scroll down to find me under "Ask the Counselor."

I am on their advisory board and enjoy answering questions from time to time . . .

This website is an excellent resource for Springfield parents. They keep the calendar of activities updated and have resources listed you will not find anywhere else.

Check it out!

Happy Parenting!

Siddhartha the Bunny

It is official.

We are an animal rescue center.

We didn’t have enough action with nine children ages 21-4 and their comings and goings and all the wonderful (and, rarely, not so wonderful) adventures that come in between.

The reality: the universe smiled down on us and our situation. Our children have blended into the most cohesive blended family smoothie imaginable. They look out for each other. They play like I haven’t seen children play since I was a child. The teen boys are kindred spirits and have a wonderful friendship. The college girls have grown into a place of love and respect for the well choreographed dance we do in this busy household to keep from stumbling over each other.

Life is busy. Life is good. We have no market on inoculating external chaos; it knocks on our door like every other family.

Enter the menagerie.

Banjo is our Cairn Terrier we have had now for almost 3 years. He’s smart, amazing and a great companion to our entire family. In April we rescued Roscoe, the 47 pound Welsh Corgi. If you aren’t familiar with Corgi’s, forty seven pounds is in the “HUGE” range for the stout, squat breed. These are the dogs that follow the Queen of England around. My husband, Stephen, is British so we smirk at the idea that we proudly walk these two prancing canine-step-brothers (they bonded even faster than our children did) on their combined lead; it is befitting we have two breeds that originated in the U.K.– and they prance.

Roscoe smiles and he smiles a lot. Roscoe now runs. Fast. And then he smiles more. Roscoe has lost, at last count 7 lbs, is consistently doted on and is absolutely an adored member of our family and Banjo’s best friend. Again, we’re lucky, or blessed or the universe smiled. And Roscoe’s smiles tell us that he knows he is lucky too.

Our daughter, Rachel, is an animal lover. Not long after she moved into her own apartment she found the perfect bunny. I’m not sure what his name is today, but at last check it was “Alvis.” Rachel had bunny-on-the-brain for a few years. We’d always had cats and dogs and she had a couple of rats in middle school, but what she came to realize is she wanted a bunny. Rachel litter trained Alvis and he had the run of much of her apartment.

Then someone needed a home for a cat.

Hmmmmm, bunnies and cats. They do not seem likely companions, but surprisingly, they loved each other. This animal thing was going so well that when she had the chance to rescue another bunny she didn’t hesitate.

But the mini-lop eared cutie that was promptly named Siddhartha, (yes, apparently after none other than Buddah), didn’t exactly play nicely with Alvis. Rachel had funded one bunny-neuter and being a struggling waitress/college student another bunny-neuter wasn’t in the cards (they are expensive!). Alvis became traumatized and his romping space finally shrunk to him staying in his cage most of the time. Siddhartha had to stay in his cage when he wasn’t getting his dose of human attention because he didn’t play nicely. His bunny existence wasn’t very zen-like– specially for a bunny named Siddhartha.

Enter discussion about naming a bunny Siddhartha– It symbolizes so much to me. The fact that Rachel has evolved into a young adult that is actually embracing the study of world religions and living a compassionate life is a thrill to behold. To watch your adolescent who’s mantra was “great my mom’s a therapist; this breathing thing is crazy” even while her friends gathered around the table to participate and were loving it– to watch her blossom into this person that is absorbing wisdom in such a way and developing a practice I admire is such a gift.

Rachel’s life it not easy. She is trying to be as independent as possible and we all know what that feels like at 20. But I don’t get emotional meltdown phone calls that are synonymous with that demographic. She recently told me that her friends were reading the HeartMath material at her apartment and thought it was “really cool.” “Yeah, everyone I hang out with is into mediation and all that stuff.”

When we go out to lunch our conversations do not consist of complaints about coursework or co-workers. Rachel, instead, talks about how she’s learning to center her self and how it is especially helpful when any anxiety rears. She describes how her personal hierarchy of importance has shifted. She ponders what her path in life will be and how exactly she wants to put her intention out to the universe. She reads voraciously. She has a practice. She sits with her discomfort. And she named her bunny Siddhartha.

We have a huge dog kennel and when Stephen learned that we had a family member Bunny in need of rescue he immediately imagined said kennel morphing into: bunny condo. He and our youngest daughter made it their project and she was thrilled, because guess what? She’s always wanted a Bunny. The Bunny would primarily be her responsibility and she let her four year old brother have some ownership as well.

This Bunny has the most amazing bunny spread ever. The space is at least 8 ft x 16 ft. He has a dome dog house and he is actually, for the most part, using his litter box. He comes out to you when you visit. He fell asleep in Ben “The Bunny Whisperer”’s arms. He also sprawls out legs stretched front to back; it must be nirvana to have space and be able to stretch after his tenure in such a small cage. I swear I see him smile occasionally.

A four and eight year old, however, do have a bit of an issue with pronouncing Siddhartha– forget understanding why anyone would want to name their pet Siddhartha. Rachel promptly agreed, of course they could change his name.

Meet Scooby Do. Scooby for short. Out of respect they felt the name should at least start with an “s.” But the grateful Bunny will always be Siddhartha to me.

The spawning of columns-- just too funny not to share here . . .

The following is an example of the breeding of columns in real life. I was asked to do a column for the Springfield Business Journal just after John McCain nominated Sarah Palin. The guidance I got from the editor (who sits on the SpringfieldMoms.org advisory board with me) went something like this: I know you have a big family. I was wondering, with all the commentary about Sarah Palin and her large family, if you could give your perception of "doing it all" as a professional.

Here is my column, attempting to be very politically middle of the road:

As a woman and mother with a career and blended family of nine children I have watched Sarah Palin’s family closely as the spotlight has shone brighter on McCain’s choice for a V.P running mate. Is it possible for her to effectively parent her five children and have such a demanding career while campaigning in this presidential election?

I have an unequivocal answer to that question: she sure cannot do it alone.

We are all individuals with distinct capabilities and my years working as a nurse, parent educator and psychotherapist have given me perspective as I, for the past twenty years, have juggled work and family and have watched my clients do the same.

There is no set prescription of how much is too much when it comes to the burden of a workload on a family. Each parent has to measure how effectively they can maintain their health, their wellbeing and functioning and that of their family’s with the amount of time and energy their career requires.

Busy parents are frequently asked how they do it and I’m sure the Palin’s will be fielding similar questions. My primary strategy in juggling our busy household and the comings and goings of nine children has become: expect the unexpected. As I have explored my core values and their relationship with my stressors, I have actually surprised myself. Of course I highly value honesty and integrity and loyalty and similar values, but one value that came to light that wasn’t as obvious to me was Predictability.

As I investigated what most frequently causes stress in my life I realized that unpredictability was the overriding theme. I began working on a new concept: expect or predict unpredictability. We cannot schedule when our children are going to be sick or when that relaxing evening I fantasized about will turn into running to purchase items for the homework assignment due tomorrow and when I started expecting chaos it was amazing how well things actually seemed to run.

We do have our little techniques that build a foundation that makes our home function well. Everyone is responsible for cleaning up his or her messes. Yes, tweaks will be needed, but the children learn as they assume responsibility. We designed a clothing organization system in our laundry room that doesn’t require clothing to leave that room unless it is on their body; good-bye clothing clutter. We still use the timer to signal when it’s time to get out the door and bedtimes.

More importantly, I think, is the balance of fun time. We work on having some good old-fashioned adventures when we are able. Theirs is the childhood full of the type of play I remember—hours outdoors concocting schemes, going deer watching, fishing, catching bugs . . .

But the absolutely integral ingredient to a smooth balance between home and work life is the need for teamwork between family members and adults. The need for single working parents to enlist the support of helpful adults cannot be emphasized enough. Sometimes we have to create our village that will help us raise our children.

As I watched Palin’s older daughters take care of their newest sibling, it looked familiar. When our four year old was born our midwives, who had large families of their own warned us, “This will be so different. You won’t believe what a help the older ones will be and what a joy it is to watch them.” They were right. Their involvement wasn’t out of obligation or per their parent’s request but out of love and care and the desire to be a contributing member of our family.

While it might not seem a true feminist perspective, with my husband’s career as a busy physician and the accompanying unpredictable hours, I look at the balance needed on the home front as supporting the good work he does outside the home; with a house full of children, this is even a more pertinent issue. I transitioned my private therapy practice into an online coaching practice so that I could work from home for some of the time. This transition allowed me to give the clients I was leaving a professional option for contact if they needed it. At the same time I have been able to find part time opportunities within my area of interest and expertise that allow me the flexibility to be the first line contact for our children when they are ill or in need.

My children are blessed. They have fathers that are not mired down by traditional gender-related child rearing roles. Any time my husband is with our children he provides them with all the love, care, support and absolute fun I could wish my children in a lifetime with a father. He role models that fathers can do laundry, grocery shop, cook, read stories, tuck their children in, help with homework and then be up and taking care of a patient at 7:00 a.m. the next day. The children see a father that loves to work at home with his family and loves to go to work to provide for his family.

I’m afraid the question in my mind isn’t so much, is Sarah Palin able to handle everything on her impossibly full plate, but will Todd Palin provide his family the firm parenting foundation required in their mother’s absence? For Sarah and her children’s sake, I hope Todd Palin is a fraction of the father to their children that my husband is to ours.


Becky Aud-Jennison , MA, LCPC, is the Heart Support Counselor at Prairie Heart Institute and has an online business at www.lifejourneycoaches.com


Along with the above column in the October issus of Springfield Business Journal, Bridget, the editor had printed an resounding endorsement in her monthly column of, not only how mothers are capable of doing it all, but how I (gasp) am an example of that. This is Bridget's column:

As a mother myself, I couldn’t
help but feel a little offended when people questioned whether a “hockey
mom” could handle the responsibilities of being our nation’s vice president.
Matt Damon, who apparently thinks his opinion matters because he wrote a
good movie script once, said the thought of Sarah Palin acting as vice
president was like a bad Disney movie. And then there was Pamela Anderson,
known for her fine work on Baywatch, who said Sarah Palin needs to “suck
it.” (I won’t even go there.)
Well, I’ve decided to buck what my idols say and tell you that I think Palin
is more than equipped to handle the responsibilities of the vice presidency,
not despite the fact that she’s a mother but because she’s a mother.
Let me give you some evidence to back my statement. Palin was chosen about
the time we were planning the October issue of the Business Journal. For our
monthly Working Woman column (page 37), I decided to ask Becky Aud-Jennison,
a working mother who has a blended family of nine children, to write this
month’s column. I sent her an email on a Thursday to see if she would be
interested in writing something for us on whether a hockey mom could handle
the job of vice president.
Becky replied promptly and said she’d do it. I gave her a two-week deadline.
The next day, Becky’s article was in my inbox. There was nary an error in it
and she fit right into the guidelines I gave her. I asked her for her photo.
She sent it right away. Then, one week later as she was heading off to a
family vacation, she touched base with me one more time just to make sure I
had everything I needed.
Can you imagine what our country would be like if we had a bunch of people
like Becky Aud-Jennison in charge? Do you think she would have sat back and
let the economy collapse right in front of her eyes? I don’t think so.
Now, will I vote for the McCain-Palin ticket? You can look up my voting
records later if you are interested in finding that out.
I’m not asking people to vote for Palin, but I’m hoping people will consider
Palin for her credentials and remember that her “hockey mom” status is an
asset and not a liability.



Then . . . I immediately had to whip out my response to her response which was printed in this month's SBJ. This is Becky being real:

Unpopular Vote

Last month I wrote a column for this publication. Given all the hype about the recently nominated Palin and opinions regarding whether she would be able to handle parenting and potential V.P. duties, Bridget, the editor, asked me to give my perspective about the challenges of career and having a large family given that I am a professional with a blended family of 9, ages 4-21. Then, my column apparently spawned Bridget’s column and herein the breeding of columns continues.

Bridget, in her column, had wonderful things to say about her perception of my abilities based on the timing and quality of my response to her request. And don’t we all love it when our efficiency and good work is recognized? So thank you to Bridget for the resounding compliments.

But, I had to laugh (out loud) when I read Bridget’s personal endorsement, which included among other accolades, “Can you imagine what our country would be like if we had a bunch of people like Becky Aud-Jennison in charge? Do you think she (she means me!) would have sat back and let the economy collapse right in front of her eyes? I don’t think so.”

Then my husband read it. And he laughed. Out loud.

Then one of my son’s read it. And he laughed. Out loud.

Still aglow from her kudos, I was forced to initiate my deep breathing exercises. Imagining the contrast between “working mother” and sitting in the White House, in any capacity, almost gave me a panic attack. So I feel compelled to come clean. Stealing from David Letterman’s Top Ten List format, I’ve narrowed it down to 3 (but could easily have expanded it to twenty).

The top 3 reasons you would not want me, or anyone wired like me, in the White House at this phase in my life:


3. I have kids in my head and that does not leave room for bombs, nor budgets, nor foreign affairs . . . ad nauseam. Forgive me my feminist sisters, but after being this gender for 47 years and counseling women for over 20 years I have come to a conclusion. We are inherently, genetically, wired to help our species continue to procreate and although many women (many of my dear friends) have bypassed that option because they had, uhm, what’s it called? oh, yeah: choice, I firmly believe that once we become mothers and unless we are neglecting our nurturing drive (neglect spawned of myriad causes including overachieving) we have a primal instinct to care-take our children. That means that if I have children under the age of 18 they get primary occupancy in my brain: I cancel appointments for them, I switch jobs for them, I prioritize around them—THEY come first. That would not be an option in the White House. That is an internal drive I cannot ignore; and if forced to, I would be rendered incapacitated-- which I am told is not on the list of ideal qualities for the White House.

2. And speaking of incapacitation, as I have to remind my husband every month, sometimes my hormones speak for me. I remind him that these issues that have to be addressed immediately are really relevant in my life and always concern me—I just can’t shut my mouth or not act on them when I am hormonal. I do not censor and I do not have great impulse control for at least 4 days a month—and honestly, those are not traits I am extremely gifted at the other days of the month. Trust me, you do not want me, or anyone with my wiring, having any red buttons or red phones at their fingertips. (and the family said, Amen)

1. Sleep. I need it. Eight to nine solid hours of it. Every night. If not, I need a nap. Why you ask? Read number 2 again and add even more irritability and whining. I have gotten the impression that sleep is not a guarantee in the White House.

Oh yeah, my son had another reason to add to the list: we wouldn’t have had the ultimate bonding experience of doing that groovy leaf collection that he put off until 5 days before it’s due date; if he hadn’t had the aid and persistence of his ever-present mom it wouldn’t have gotten turned in today.

Case closed: we do not want a bunch of “me’s” running our country. Please. If given the opportunity in the next 14 years: do NOT vote for me!

Single mom asked for some advice about how to explain father's identity to young child-- dad is not in picture

I'm sure this is an issue you have pondered for the last 3 years and I certainly can understand your concern about wanting to have the "appropriate" response to the question.

First, I would encourage you to flash forward and imagine your son being 13 years - 18 years old and what the ultimate message will be that you give your son assuming you have no further contact with the father. Only you can decide what that would be, but I would encourage you to frame it as pleasantly as possible; his father is a part of who he is so self esteem will be connected to his perception of his father. "Your father was a very kind man. He wasn't able to make a commitment to have a family at that time, but I am so happy he gave me you." You will likely be heavily questioned in the future and rather than focusing on the negatives, I would encourage you to let your son know that you actually don't know how his father "turned out" and he may be a wonderful person and you only want to speak of him in a positive manner. There's a likelihood, in time, with technology as it is it will be possible for him to find his father if he wishes. If so, he can let his father explain more about himself. Therefore, my suggestion would be coming up with a description you are happy with and sticking with that. It's impossible to know if his father will attempt to reconnect in the future and again, if this happens he will be able to fill in any gaps.

Back to a three year old. Based on the general message you decide will be your description of his father (i.e. you will want to function within the perimeters you set yourself in that response) he needs to hear messages that:

1. Do not provoke any anxiety

2. Encourage him to feel whole, and loved and like any other family

3. Normalize his situation

For now, I would consider saying something to the effect of, "Not every family has a mommy and a daddy. Some have just a mommy or just a daddy or just a grandpa or just a grandma, etc. I am so lucky to have you and we are lucky to have each other." "Lots of families only have a mommy or a daddy. Our family is me and you." "The important thing is that we have each other."

The words Dad, Daddy, Father, etc. are loaded. Be careful how you use them. I tend to believe those terms are held out for the person that actually is involved in their children's lives and when children use it that do not know their mother or father it is somewhat fantasy based and gives you a glimpse into their wishes to have a "daddy." In this situation here is an example, "Mommy cared about a man that wasn't ready to have a family, but I was very very lucky and he helped me be able to have you even though he has never met you." as you ponder exactly what to say, I would be careful not to create a fantasy, by your explanation, that has him thinking that "Daddy" might walk through the door.

I would encourage you to get involved with other single parent families to normalize the way he perceives your family. That way he can see that lots of families are made up of different people. There isn't always a mommy AND daddy.

Also, the more positive male role models he has in his life the better. It can give him some healthy balance as he matures, and as I always say, single parents must sometimes make the village that will help them raise their children. Positive, supportive people in your lives that can help out when needed and give him other positive relationships with adults can be a gift for you and him.

As he gets older you can begin to explain that there is a difference between fathering and being a father while still communicating respect about his biological father.

Age appropriate literature is always effective in helping to normalize situations. Here are a few titles you may find helpful: Do I Have a Daddy?: A Story About a Single-Parent Child by Jeanne Warren Lindsay and Jami Moffett (Paperback - Nov 1, 1999); Love Is a Family (Hardcover) by Roma Downey (Author); The Family Book (Hardcover) by Todd Parr (Author).

While I know I did not give you a concrete answer, I hope this guidelines give you some direction as you decide the message you want to give your little guy.

All the best to you and your future with your son,

Becky Aud-Jennison, MA, LCPC

WELCOME

I love the world of blog.  It meets so many needs, albeit, mainly personal for the writer.  I have a family blog I maintain.  I had a blog to track my progress training for my first half marathon. I have yet to incorporate blogging into my professional life.  

So let the record stand that the mission of this blog will be to bridge the gap between personal and professional.  I do some writing for other causes and from time to time, I may post those writings here for your perusal if I think they may be helpful, interesting, or if I just would like to be archived.  

If you read this and would like to have feedback on a particular area you are contemplating, feel free to inquire and I will do my best to address the topic.

My field of work is so unique when it comes to the area of one's self-care.  While I have years of professional experience and have acquired a certain amount of expertise in areas of life, that doesn't always mean I'm an expert in handling my own life challenges.  Like everyone, I struggle with maintaining balance in my life, parenting effectively, living a healthy lifestyle, having happy and healthy relationships and achieving inner peace.  

I sometimes envy the accountant that can show how he practices what he preaches by his well balanced financial books.  My goal is to work on keeping my self as balanced as possible and therein lies my real life empathy to you all.  It IS a challenge and we can all use all the support we can get.

I am not a clinical robot and I am sure you will see glimpses of my own challenges as we take this life-journey together.  Don't forget, for more indepth 1:1 consultation, online coaching is available with me at www.lifejourneycoaches.com.

Wishing you inner peace,

becky